All you wanted
by toomanybadideas
Summary: Lily and James are...complicated. He has the world at his feet and she's not ready to bow down quite yet. They were perfect and they were a beautiful happy couple until just a week ago. Now James is relapsing in some old ways and Lily is lying to herself about what she really wants. Rated T for some swears and drugs, this is my first FanFic ever, please try it!
1. Chapter 1: What she really wanted

Looking at him just made her head hurt. She was tired of wanting, tired of caring, and yet she was so done with reasoning it out. His perfect disposition as his friends fawned over him and girls all stared in adoration at the seemingly perfect boy and she knew he was listening to every word they said and loving it. He hadn't changed a bit since the first day of first year.  
A quick glance over at her told him she wasn't any happier than she was. Her poised head was nodding as if she understood everything but he knew she wasn't listening to a word of it. She was a different girl, but one just as hard to walk away from.  
She didn't date selfish guys. Not ones who pushed her around. Not ones who drove her crazy. Not ones who didn't give a shit what happened to her.  
He didn't really need her. She wasn't super hot. She wasn't super curvy. She didn't have that look about her that screamed come love me. She wasn't even his type! She wasn't even coming back to him crying.  
The great hall candles floated up and down as Lily hummed a silent lullaby under her breath; anything to get James out of her head. He should get off her mind and into the clutches of the giant squid. She smiled for a quick moment before she remembered not to. He hadn't affected her at all. She was still same old responsible Lily. She did her schoolwork, skipped her meals and longed after pretty boys but ran away when they got too close. She didn't date them; that just wasn't who she was. She hung out with Sev and Maddy and nobody else. She didn't miss him, she didn't care about him and she wasn't affected by him. It was as simple as that.  
"Hey! Lily?"  
"Huh? What?" Severus was trying to talk to her. She was listening. She was always there to listen, not to speak. And since when did she say 'huh'? She was always eloquent. Punctual, polite, and prepared: Lily Evans was the definition mum always said. Mum? Mother. She had always said mother.  
"Did you hear what I just said?" Severus sounded confused. Did she respond wrong? What was wrong with her? She didn't fucking care about James! He stood up; taking that little half step he always took to move away from the bench. His messy halo of curls falling into his eyes, he grabbed his bag and made his way towards the door. She stood up too, but Severus gently touched her cold arm and se sat back down. It must have been coincidence she woke up early this morning, and didn't have anything to do. The day of his big game…She couldn't go. She had to study…something; she was going to get an acceptable in divination if she didn't go see Professor Cyrus before the NEWTs.

"What? No, I'm sorry I must have missed that last thing. What did you say Sev?" His annoyingly quick gate had moved him halfway down the hall, he hated sitting close to any of the professors. He was speaking quickly to Sirius, Remus stumbling behind to keep up and hobbling towards them maybe 10 metres back was Peter.

James paused at the door to survey the room as always, his dark eyes looking in every corner. _"I'm checking that no one's following me."_

"_Who would be following you?"_

"_Who wouldn't?"_

She hated when he answered her questions with questions and she wanted to know everything. His eyes raked across the staff table. He saw every empty seat, and the status of every professor in relation to their respective meals. His keen eyes even pulled out who had already left and he muttered something under his breath to Sirius never even turning his eyes towards him. His eyes moved to the first table, Raven claw. His fingers jerked slightly as he counted the kids sitting down, how many were near done and how many had yet to come.

"I was asking you if…you know…you wanted to practice charms before the NEWTs." Severus sounded resigned but desperate.

"Excellent. We can do that now." She tried to put as much life in her voice as she could but she was still flat as the old piano James had once played for her on the 7th floor. It had been covered in dust and the air had been impossible to breath but James wanted her to see it. Just a cubby of a room, barely 7 metres across and with dirty walls, he had still managed to look like a god. And when he sat down to play the old instrument, the first song he'd played for her was…no. She didn't care about him. He hadn't affected her at all.

"_This is just our place."_

"_Really? It's so…magical here."_

"_We are at Hogwarts. Everything is magic."_ Everything he ever said to her was just a trick. Her mind was making it up. She hated the way he took whatever she said and made it wrong. It was the most frustrating thin in the world.

Somehow, she knew when to look up. She didn't want to but she couldn't stop herself. No. His eyes were drawing nearer and nearer. They cast down onto Severus without him noticing. He was pushing his scattered books into his bag while she waited patiently. James Potter's eyes caught her off guard as they always had. So dark, they always looked like they were moving but they weren't. His eyes were holding onto her in every way. Petrified by how messed up all of this shit was, Lily stared at him for a moment longer before she blinked and looked down. Gently, she pulled at the zipper on her bag until it was entirely closed and brushed it off. Despite the spotless floors, she always felt as though everything was covered in dirt when she and James…no. It was just her confusion and her desire to mediate everything that made her clean things. It didn't have anything to do with him. When she finally glanced up at where he was again, she expected him to be gone. He was supposed to only survey for a moment. He never stopped for longer than a few seconds. It was instantaneous. Instead she met his dark eyes again. Sirius was gone, so were his other little cronies. It would have been effortless for her to smile at him but she didn't. He raised his hand and beckoned to her just slightly. She stood up, unable to stop her feet from moving. She walked like a sleep walker just first seeing light. Although he hadn't looked shocked, she knew he was caught off guard when she stood. His eyes softened a little, it was as if she was reading his thoughts off one of the books she adored, instead of off of his incomprehensible face. She couldn't look away. Couldn't look away. Blinded by the light. He was her god come to save her. She turned on her heels and ran away from the only boy she had ever needed: running away from the only thing she would ever need.


	2. Chapter 2: How he likes it

She didn't need me!" The only thought racing through James's head like nicotine spilled out of his mouth. Dizzying desire, more like a craving actually, and simultaneous guilt as his mind was blown by her yet again. How could she not? He'd done everything right. He played her like an old, out-of-tune piano. She should be crying at his feet because she'd needed him so much. He made sure of it. She needed him to stay with her that one dizzying night. She'd cried to him. She'd told him everything. He knew everything about that golden girl. Everything except why he cared so much.  
Out of place sunshine tried to beat him into submission but he wouldn't allow it. He was going to sulk today. He was going to hurt feelings and crush dreams. Starting with Clara, he decided as he spotted her leaning on the door to his office. Captain James Potter's office not Claras bitch club house. The pretty girl brightened as she saw him and grinned at him.  
"Hey James!" She was so happy to see him, he thought, he almost didn't want to hurt her. Wind caught the air and brought the smell of candy and sugar to him from her skin. He could break her for that smell alone.  
"Hi Clara!" He replied. Equally happy, just a teasing flirt to open her up before he closed her up tight.  
"Are you playing seeker against Regulas today?" Her eyes seductively raised to his face and her hand fidgeted with the collar of her shirt. He grinned but inside he shuddered. 'Why the fuck would I be here if not to suit up for the match.' Is she trying to act knowledgable? His irritation at her attempt to impress him made him put more into his words. Crush her and ruin her.  
"Yup."  
Three letters. One sylable. Is that really all it took? he thought. She grins and moves off the door a little bit. "You're gonna be great." She looked so pleased with herself and James knew why. Pushing past her to get to the door, he gently bumped her hip. She blushed but didn't move out of the way. The sun shines on her hair, putting flecks of red into her brown curls. Her eyelashes had touches of mascara on them and were circled in whatever shit girls put on to dress like hoes and get guys. Careful as he leaned in to keep his face off of hers, he smiled at her and gently toughed her hair. In his other hand, his fingers encircled his wand. She was completely oblivious and just leaned in as if she wanted to hook up which she very well might have. Disgustingly sweet perfumes dragged him back to the past.

"Baby, just try on one! I like candy better than your wierd fruit scent."  
"No James. I told you the cupcake scent is disgusting!"  
Ingnoring everyone in the little shop, he had poured the whole sample into her hair.  
"James Thomas Potter!" She opened her mouth to shout something he didn't want to hear.  
Quick as a bird, he leaned in and kissed her. He didn't stay on her lips long but the overly sweet candy scent had been in her hair for months.  
He'd won the first round with that scent.

Clara has her eyes on him, even though James was worlds away. He saw another girl in the hints of red highlighting Clara's. He saw another face, covered in freckles and contorted in frustration and wonder. He kissed another girl as he ran his hands into Clara's hair although it took less than a moment for him to realize her hair was dry.  
"Bitch go die!" The words tumbled out. He needed to crush her now! "You're just a little whore with nothing better in your head than to try and hook up with random guys and you'll do anythimg for it. But really, you are a fat ugly ass bitch who cares about nothing and no one." There was more to be said. To finish crushing her, he was supposed to hit her, to hurt her, to physically explain why she wasn't worth it and to walk away calmly. However, he was tired and he needed to get ready for the match. She was slipping down the wall now. Her eyes dripping dirty water onto the grass. He should feel happy, free, light and airy as a heavy dose of meth now.

The tears streaming down her face scared him because he wasn't causing them.  
She was shaking now; he looked down at her terrified. All along her arms were drawing after drawing. Anchors and infinity signs, butterflies and flowers, hearts and roses, words scribbled across her arms.  
He had held onto her that night. He had just listened to her sobs and her tears hit the floor.

How crazy it was that she'd just walked away from everything they'd had. James still couldn't believe it. Their beautiful and perfect relationship crashing and burning over nothing. He had almost forgotten the girl sobbing on the ground. Suddenly exhaustion was too much for the poor boy and James pushed open the door to his office and sat down in a chair. The memories threatened to overwhelm him as every touch, every lingering kiss, every wild night rebuilt itself in his mind. Every beautiful magical word she whispered and every time he held her cold hands in his, they all came rushing back to him in a tidal wave of memories and wants and needs a hundred times more awakening than caffeine. A hundred times more numbing than alcohol. A hundred times warmer than heroine and more delicious than pot. A million times more meaningful than any underhanded deals he had done. Giving out little samples of drugs to the rich girls, overdosing now and then to keep it interesting, he'd expected the greatest high could be bought and sold in little boxes and plastic bags but they couldn't be.

"James! What are you doing?" her paniced voice roused him from his revolry.  
"Smoking. Want a joint?" he knew she would say no. She looked at him in disgust and hurt.  
"Stop!" She had wrung her hands together around and around in discomfort. "Please, don't go back down that road, you are past that. Why do you need them?" And he hadn't had an answer.

He sat in the chair staring at the ceiling. He didn't want to look at the desk. He didn't want to see the photos or her shirt she left here. James tried to smile at the ceiling but realized he couldn't. There was something he had to do.


	3. Chapter 3: Waiting for Him

People are cheering loudly. They are shouting and screeching and crying out in admiration, frustration and excitement. They had been going on for almost an hour now. In the back of her mind, Lily could see every aspect of the game, she could hear the cheering, she could guess by the crowds loud screams when there were good saves and when there were better throws. She could guess when the beaters knocked Augustus Crabb to the ground with bludgers as usual and when Amelia Bones dropped the quaffle. Never understanding why he liked the game had not, could not, and would not stop Lily from learning about it.

"So…what are you doing with your first night free?" Lily's eyes couldn't leave the window to look at Severus Snape. He already knew the answer, but she still needed to say it; if only to convince herself.

I'm not going to cry. "I'm going to enjoy myself." There was some truth in those words, she was happy it was over. She didn't want him around her. She didn't miss his crazy and out of control life. Bright as a star and cold as a rock, so much strength and so many weaknesses, enjoying herself didn't seem to cover it. Smiling… laughing…pushing through people at train stations. Memories welled up in the back of her mind and overwhelmed her for a moment. The first time she saw him…

"Smile honey!" Daddy had his camera in his hand, grinning like any proud parent sending their child off to school. Mother was fussing over her hair and saying again and again: "You'll write to me won't you?"

"Yes Momma."

"Ok, baby. I'm going to miss you so much!" She'd smiled at her mother and leaned in to kiss her goodbye when a little boy pushed through. His smug little eyes said 'I can do whatever I want.' He was followed by another boy with long hair, dark and wild, who pushed past again. She had watched them go and she hadn't missed the way his eyes caught her stare and didn't look away. She had shrugged it off; she wasn't friends with those kinds of boys. They were icky and weird.

Fresh air blew her back to reality. She had to study for this. Charms was one of her best subjects and she wanted that to show in her results. Lily Evans pulled out her wand, the old wood almost the color of honey, and spun it around once in her fingers.  
"Locamotor!" The book Sev was poring over moved away from him. Grinning he slid down the bench to its new location and tried to read it again. She flicked her wand, allowing the book to slide back to her and then across the table. His ill-fitting robes flapped behind him as he stood up and ran around the table. But the magic was too quick for him and the book slid back to Lily and landed in her lap. She slid it up and down the table for him to chase after.  
"Accio book" Severus's voice made her turn to him. Red faced, out of breath, he wasn't laughing anymore. She immediately felt guilty. She wasn't the type of girl who was mean or teasing, even accidentally. The book made a weak attempt to escape her grasp but she held on.  
"Come now, Severus. Cast the spell like you really mean it!"  
"Accio book!" She let go of the book and it wobbles towards him and landed in his outstretched hand.  
"Better." She smiled at him before she remembered she didn't smile.

"When you smile you look so dopey."  
"Would you rather I frowned then?" She picked her head up out of his lap and made a pouty face. He grinned at her and sprinkled some grass onto her nose.  
"Not that kind of face!" His eyes were filled with love even though his words were teasing. She'd been so happy that day, smiling and smiling to drive him crazy.

Severus was smiling but behind his eyes she could see he was distressed.  
"What's wrong Sev?" He looked up at her and shrugged.  
"I'm just nervous. Don't worry about it Lily."  
She wanted to know. She wanted him to tell her. She should just give him space if that's what he wanted.  
"Ok. You know these spells Sev! You know how to move your wand to cast them. You've done some of these before with great success!" He smiled at her then, his whole face lit up by some memory.  
"Remember the lake incident? When Potter and Black pushed me into the lake?" His excited voice made her smile, but the words were making her shiver. "And how in revenge, I summoned their bags into the water and they had to dive in after them?"

Yes. "No. I don't think I was there." James had tried to talk to her alone that day and she'd pushed him away. She hadn't ever thought twice about it until now. What had he wanted to say? It had only been a few days later when they'd begun talking.  
"It was hilarious!" He was grinning at her with a distracted smile. Lily opened her mouth and reminded him why they were there and to practice.  
"See! You do know how to do these spells, you just need to relax."  
A loud cheer drowned out his response. The snitch must have been spotted. The cheers, rising and falling with the mob's collective breathing. Lily gazed out at the pitch watching two players circle the pitch again and again. She stared at them in confusion as she realized both players had both hands on their respective brooms.  
She narrowed her eyes, trying to see the colors of their uniforms, because surely it wasn't green and red! James hadn't missed a game since...well ever. Ever since making the team as a firstyear, James had played his heart out. He didn't miss a game for their anniversary; he didn't miss a game when he was so sick he couldn't see straight; he didn't miss a game when he had detentions. Where was he? She had almost always had him with her.

"James? Where are you?" She whispered into the dark, worrying for a moment that he wouldn't come. Worrying she would be stuck here alone, she turned back to look at the door.  
"Behind you." His tender voice had made her turn. He looked gorgeous in his nice suit and tie. Grinning lopsidedly, he'd reached out to muss her hair. She'd painstakingly curled every strand with her wand but it didn't matter.  
"I wasn't sure if you'd show." The words felt so ridiculous. Of course he came, he loved her.  
"I wasn't sure if i was going to. There are dumps with better music." He reached out and put his arm around her waist. Her green dress felt pitifully thin and insignificant under his tender hands.  
"But it's your 7th year fall ball, don't you want to go?" She didn't want to, but she didn't look beautiful or regal and she wasn't the one with the reputation.  
"I want to go with you." And there was something in those simple words that held her together all night. There was something in those simple words that allowed her to dance her heart out. There was something in those words that had made her unable to stop him; something that made her not need to.

He wasn't in the game. He was not in the game. Why? When did he decide not to? Severus leaned over his book and Lily tried to focus on hers but she couldn't. James...  
An eternity later, or maybe three breaths, the cheering raised itself to a roar! They were close to the snitch. They were getting closer. The cheers rose with no signs of falling now. As if they didn't need air, they just needed victory. She didn't need James, she only needed herself.  
The door opened, Severus whipped around to stare but Lily didn't care who it was. Why wasn't James playing?

"Guess who!" His slender hands covered her eyes covering her book.  
"Ugh James! I need to study; otherwise I'll fail my OWLs!" She tried to sound annoyed but she couldn't. His hands moved off her eyes but they stopped at her throat and tipped her head back to look at him.  
"Come to my match! It's the last one of the season Babe and I want you to see it!" He sounded so sincere and excited and nervous and hopeful and...God damn it he sounded so sexy. She smiled. He smiled.

Behind her the footsteps entered the room and she immediatly knew just who this was. Why was he here? Why didn't he play? She couldn't speak to him. Not now or ever.  
"Lily?" He sounded so sincere and excited and nervous and hopeful and...God damn him to hell because he still sounded just as sexy.


	4. Chapter 4: Deal with it

"Lily?" James knew she was mad. He could see her hurt written across her beautiful green eyes. He knew she was hurt and she had every right to be, but he still held onto some kind of hope she still wanted him.  
"Lily? Please! Talk to me!" Desperation crept into his voice. He needed her and she needed him. They belonged together.  
"I don't want to talk James, okay? The talking is done. You did enough of it for both of us!"  
She was upset, in the courner of her eyes he saw her on the verges of tears. He couldn't give up yet. She still he wanted his arms around her when she cried because he understood. The sun setting cast a gorgeus reflection on her eyes as he searched them for emotions. She didn't want him to leave. She wanted him to beg but James Potter didn't beg. He made one last attempt. "How was your day?" She looked up him, she considered him, she considered lying. He could see her thoughts swirling around but she wasn't ready to forgive him.  
"I'm tired. Isn't that a good enough description? Do I need to tell you all about how late I was tossing and turning last night or how my eyes are closing by themselves and I'm half asleep before I wake up? I'm exhausted and I can't take you anymore. Make up your mind, get your shit together and then we can talk."  
James didn't know what to say; he just stared at the beautiful girl who had been so important to him. Who made him feel alive and free and happy, he couldn't let that girl walk away... She closed her eyes and ran out. As she passed, the smell of cupcakes passed him. Her stuff was still littered along the floor of McGonagal's classroom. He knelt to pick it up but the disgusting Snape beat him.  
James knew when to give up. He knew that he had to move on . He had a reputation. He turned away but Snape glared after him.  
"Don't follow her." The ice cold tone didn't bother him half as much as the truth of the words.  
Make up your mind.  
What did he want? He wanted her. He wanted a dizzying buzz. He wanted to get out of here. He didn't want to chase her. He didn't want to see her. He didn't want to go to school with her. He just wanted her to come crying back. He wanted her to appoligize and do whatever he wanted to make it up to him.

It was her fucking stubborness that was making him fall in love. Watching her run away was making him fall in love. He couldn't lose this. He wanted to watch her make him fall in love again.

"What are you doing?" For some odd reason she was pulling her sweater back on.  
"I'm...cold." She's lying he knew. They were in a 90 degree restaraunt and it was summer but he let go of her arm and she pulled it on. As his hand came away, he didn't know why but he glanced at it. It had a hint of blood from where he had been gripping her arm.  
"Lily!" Panic filled her face and tears filled her eyes. It was a lot for him to discover on a first date.  
"It isn't what you think." But he could see in her eyes he was exactly right, she was flawed. She was broken. He wanted to fix her.  
"Lily. I care, stop doing it." He didn't say more. He didn't need to because he knew she'd listen. She had wanted him even then.

He walked out to the grounds: away from the castle, forget her, screw all the promises he made her, it didn't matter. The beautiful boy with the world at his feet walked away from his world. He lifted his feet and put them down until he reached the lake. Bored, he twirled his wand and thought some words he didn't care about. The water crackled and moved away to reveal a delicate bridge linned with seaweed. Dirty and beautiful, James danced along the bridge. His mind turned over plans and opinions on where to go. He finally decided on 'Moonlite.' As well as being one of the easiest places to ger high, Lily hadn't been there.  
Across the lake, he starred at the sky. It was almost dark now, maybe the charms NEWT was starting.  
He didn't know when Moonlite opened but he couldn't stay here any more. He twisted on his heel and disapperated into the warm May air.

Hot air of summer kissed his face as he scrambled out his window. Lily was outside; her beautiful hair streaming behind her. She was just...walking. In her hands she held her wand and something else too. An owl was on her shoulder. Silent as a shadow, James clambered down the tower and followed her quietly. More curiousity lead than anything else, that was the night he fell in love. She was pretty and she was intellegent and she was like no other girl.

He landed on his knees in the middle of Paris. Beautiful girls filled the streets, holding up umbrellas and fussing with their hair. He waltzed his way along about 40 metres before he came to a small alleyway. Down the alley and to the left, James was at his little hole in the wall in record time. It was early and the bouncers weren't out yet, so James just slipped in. His eyes traced the room, it was empty and cold and lonely. His footsteps echoed across the floor as he walked over to the DJ's booth. He skimmed the list, it was all love songs, songs Lily hated, the kind of shit he liked.  
Curious, he pushed open the door to the DJ's booth and sat down in the chair. Careful, so careful not to allow the magic to do any harm, he pushed play on the boombox.

She was spinning and singing along. He knew she wasn't but this was the closest he'd ever see her to drunk. Loud music played, her green dress flared out, her eyes were full of excitement and for once James saw his rebel style come out in her. She was beautiful.  
He put on the first song for about a minute before he lost it. Screaming, crying, hitting things, everything was fucking wrong.  
She should be here dancing to this song with him. She...no. He pulled open the drawer, not sure what he expected.  
Inside lay heaven. White nail polish, just like the stuff on Lily's fingers, heaven. Bliss. Emptyness.

"Promise to stay clean?" She was scared and upset.  
"yeah. I am." He swore. He touched her hand lightly. "You are the only drug I could need."

Dizzy. Bubbly. Happy. Free. Bliss. Why was he moping? There were girls to fuck, crap to drink, and shit to do!


	5. Chapter 5: Her sickness

Staring at her reflection in the mirror confused Lily. Her hair was still wavy red and her eyes were still bright green, but she didn't think they looked the way she remembered. Her hair was definitely longer, wilder, and her eyes were definitely bigger, prettier; she was definitely older. Not just on the outside, she'd grown up inside too. She wondered if her eyes were still the open window to her soul, or if she had managed to slam them shut. Staring into the looking-glass, she saw everything she ever thought she wanted in her arms. Staring into the looking-glass, she saw the only thing she ever wanted lying on the floor.  
She couldn't have both.

"What do you want?"  
"Sunshine." He laughed and stared out the rainy window. It had been pouring down for hours now and the combination of humid air and hot temperatures were beginning to make James a little antsy.  
"Lets go outside." She had been shocked at the very idea. She glanced down at her robes, considering whether or not she felt like it. He seemed bored of her consideration, so after a few moments he grabbed her arm and pulled her outside.  
Heavy rain enveloped both of them, soaking past her robes and into her skin. She remembered spinning around in his arms, his lopsided grin, his dripping hands enveloping hers.  
"What are we doing?" She screamed into the wind but it carried away his answer. She didn't need him to repeat it because then he was kissing her and nothing mattered.

The only boy she wanted wasn't with her. She wouldn't swallow her pride and crawl back to him like wanted. She couldn't forgive him for hurting her like that. Never could she forget the words he'd said that fateful night or what they'd done. It couldn't be undone.  
She sat alone in the dormitory, laying on her bed and trying to memorize her new face. Around her, people came and went; worrying about their mundane affairs and giggling about the outcome of the match.  
"Lily? Are you ok?" Maddie sounded concerned. Drained, Lily rolled over; tearing her eyes away from the ceiling with its huge crack she'd stared at so many nights. So many days when her head had been spinning with love or hate or confusion or stress, that crack had held her together just as she was trying to do now.  
"I'm fine Maddie. How was the match?" Her tone was cooler than normal but her voice was whole, her heart was shattered but her mind was together. She didn't need James Edward Potter.  
"It was interesting. Carlos ran into the stands and Amelia was injured but other that everything was great. The score was really high because James had left for something, did you see him? Anyway Matt was seeker and he was horrendous so..." Maddie droned on, raving about how great it was. Lily watched in fascination as her mouth moved and sounds came out. It was odd how quickly her smiles became frowns and switched back again.

"Why are you just sitting here?" James smiled at her and ran his hand through his hair to mess it up again. "C'mon Lily! It is Friday night. We have no work or classes tomorrow!"  
She glanced up from her book and rolled her eyes at him.  
"Alright. What do you want to do?" He grinned again and cast his eyes up at the ceiling. He paused for a moment and she knew he hadn't expected her to agree.  
"You grew up in Orleans right?" She nodded, unaware where he was going with this. "How many clubs did you hit there?"  
She laughed out loud and closed her book. "No. We are not leaving the grounds."  
He looked at her again and considered for a moment. His dark eyes caught hers quickly but then flicked away. He looked crushed but Lily knew it was an act.  
"Must we James?" She didn't want to go but if he really wanted too...she could stand it for one night.  
"Yes. Go put on something sexy and crazy." She smiled at that and ran out of the common room. She was already planning which of Maddie's shirts she would steal.

"You'll come to the next one right?" Maddie was waiting for a response, her fingers fidgeting in her robes. Lily cast her eyes up to stare at Maddie's hopeful face. She was so open and honest about everything. How did she have nothing to hide?  
"Yeah. I think I will." Maddie smiled and leaned over to hug her.  
"Yay! We can cheer together!" Maddie smiled more and Lily started to before remembering she wasn't happy. Maddie saw her expression, but she didn't call her out. She just let Lily do whatever she needed to.  
"What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you Mads?"  
"I don't really know Lily."

"First law of cocky: you always know. You aren't sorry. You don't care. You don't mess up." His voice still made her dizzy even though he was an ass. James wasn't talking to her this morning and she didn't know why. He was such a drama queen some days. She was leaning up against a cold pillar listening to Sirus and James talk.  
"James...the first law of love is you fuck up and apologize." Sirius punched his shoulder.  
"Yeah. She still hasn't apologized for blowing me off for that little skeeze: Snape." James was so in control and so wrong but just hearing the words made her feel bad. She should have told him she couldn't come. She hadn't meant to stand him up. She tried to apologize the morning after but James had walked away.

"Bro, calm down. She didn't mean it…"

"No Snuffles, that's the thing, I don't care if she didn't mean it! I don't fucking care! That little bitch thinks I need to do whatever she wants and she's god damned wrong because I could walk away right now if I needed to! This could be the end! I could be done!" James was shouting now, his voice echoing off the floors and hallways of the seventh floor corridor. The words bounced around the corridor the way Lily imagined they bounced around her head. 'Done! Little bitch! Walk away! This could!'

"James, if you could walk away, why don't you?" Sirius no longer had a teasing tone. He was dead serious in the way that scared Lily just a little bit. And she had waited for James to answer but he never did. They never cleared up the argument because when she went to apologize, he hadn't let her get out two words. He just smiled at her and leaned in, cutting off her sentence with his breath and kissing her again. It was as if she'd never left; it was as if she hadn't screwed up; or it was as if he didn't want to walk away either. But she didn't care because he was kissing her and nothing else in the world mattered: nothing so long as she had James's warm hands on her spine and she had her hands knotted in his hair and they were together forever and forever.

"Hey Maddie, there's...somewhere I need to go. Please! Can you cover for me at the celebration tonight?" She was desperate to get away before she lost control again.


	6. Chapter 6: Addiction

*_I'm just warning you this chapter is rather dark so if you want you may skip on ahead_*

Broken. Sounds and figures move around him. James stumbles. Another shot of the tray of a passing waiter. Schnapps. Sitting down to a hand of cards. 2 and Queen. One pair. Two pair. Full house. Collecting a few coins.  
Midnite is as close to how he remembers the clubs as ever. Limiting himself to no drinks, James reached out for another shot. His hand brushed soft skin. Pale hands. The girl backs away. He grins in delight and takes the shot. She must be a first timer. Like Lily's first time...who the fuck is she? A slim brunette brushed up against him, her hips touching his for a moment. She looks at him in complete dependence. She smells of old memories and dirty deals. She smells of addiction, cravings, rollercoasters, ice and fire, black and white.  
Lost. Why is he here? James promised Lily he would avoid this type of skanky place. Why should he obey her? They are done, she was just another of his tricks, and this curvy blond is next.  
The girl stands in the middle of a parted crowd. He hips swing back and fourth to the newest Madonna song. Her hair is tangled and wild. Its sticking to her face and the back of her neck. Beauty, addiction, wild hot nights, and teenage hormones pour off of her mixing with the smell of music and cheap perfume. James moved up through the crowds, stopping only to accept a small joint of some mediocre marijuana from some wasted boy in dirty jeans. He picked a lighter up off the table and put the messy light into his mouth. He missed this life.  
His first time here had been three summers ago. He was at a camp not to far away when he managed to sneak out. That was the first time he ever got a girl alone. It had been too easy. Slim, blond, a face like a potato, the girl had followed him around. His heat was beating to the music, his head pounding to the tune of an overdose, his body jerking to the sound of happiness, of pleasure and of too many years flying. She was wearing excess makeup, trying to cover up her flawed skin and exhausted eyes. What was her name?  
He didn't remember. She just moved in and he didn't stop her. High as a beanstalk and a boy gone to face a giant her flew her away. Dirty back rooms were made for this kind of shit. She hadn't known what he was doing. Her skin had been rough, her cries far rougher, and they had danced away the night.  
High on drugs, not life. Happy by addiction not adventure. Giddy off of chemicals not care. That was what he gave up for her. Lily...

Ice cold water. Boiling champagne. Ice cold hands, boiling hearts. Ice cold worlds, boiling centres.  
Ice and fire to burn him and cut him and break him and mold him into the hungry famine of addiction. He was just another member of the family. Crazy teen cried out in excitement when good songs blasted, breaking open his ears. Dirty burnouts sulked in corners holding trays of drinks, drugs and knives. What else do you do?

They are playing games and smoking in the corner. He waltzes over to join them during particularly dull moments. Girls sucking at strip poker and boys who have never done a sport in their lives drunk as fuck and still playing beer pong. Older girls cockily abstaining from all of this, just too cool and sober designated drivers trying to hit on them.  
Jabbering like birds in rapid French.  
The pretty blond girl turns his way and her eyes catch him in shock. She isn't fourteen anymore, her makeup is cleaner, her skin is beautiful, he does know her. She does a quick little spin before coming over. And all across her back is black and red. Ink and scars. Beauty and beast. Don't get close to her, every follicle of his being screams in his heart but it's drowned out by every brain cell he had left crying out for one more night. Seeing how much she learned in 3 years. Remember this girl? Remember the one you're trying to forget?  
Whiskey spilled down James's arm as a college guy elbows his way between them.  
Out of focus and lost. Confusion takes over the girl's eyes and James remembered another confusion in his girl's eyes.

"What the hell James?!" Lily stood in the door of the closet, her hair tied back and her dark lipstick highlighting her lips.  
He wanted it smeared. He wanted her on him now. His hand clutched a needle and syringe. Cold ice ran down his arm and rushed into his face, mixing blush and bloodless terror to make him look normal. She dropped her flowers onto the ground, his uncollected mind marveled that no petals fell off each yellow rose. In her other hand was a delicate glass, its contents were an appealing clear colour but he knew the drink he wanted wasn't in that glass. In disgust she tipped its contents out onto him and the closet floor. Cold water. Ice chunks. He wasn't a witch. Why did he feel like he was melting? Her sobs permeated his drunken haze.  
"What the fuck James? Why are you on that shit?" Her eyes were filled with tears and hate and desperation and confusion.  
"Lily..."He stood up; glad tonight he had stopped in time. Overdosing here wasn't safe.  
"I thought you were different. There are guys like you at every school. Go get some help." She turned away but she couldn't take a step. He knew she couldn't walk away from his suffering. He knew she wanted to help him.  
"Evans...wait." She stood very still, her shoulders up as if she was shivering. Her head tipping slightly. Cold rushed through him as his mind realized the flow had stopped. Heat rushed through him as Lily exhales slowly. He tried to speed up his breathing but the morphine was in control. He exhaled. He inhaled.  
"James. I didn't date you so you could get high and try to get into my pants. I don't want to hurt you." Her voice broke but she persevered. "But you need to decide. You can have either me or your stupid poisons." She never turned back to face him. She just stood there with rattled sobs escaping her flawless mask of perfection.  
"That's an easy choice." He said slowly. The drugs felt so nice. Calming and exciting, exhilarating, building him up, soothing, giving him everything he needed. "I want you."

The blond pushed past the stranger to him. She knew him and she thought she knew what he wanted. Did she? What did he want?


	7. Chapter 7: As you were

Outside, the air was warm. NEWTs began in an hour if she had chosen to continue divination but it bored her and she wasn't especially good at it.

She glanced up at the moon quickly but it was nowhere near full. Good. The shreiking shack would be deserted. She walked over to the little tree, it moved in an attempt to block the little door concealed at it's roots. Lily smiled for a moment before she remembered not to. She twirled her wand, fascinated by the wood. Fascinated that she couldn't do magic without it. Why not? What about the wand let her do magic?  
Lily vowed to ask James if he ever came back. She spiraled her wand and thought the word 'leviosa.' One of the sticks lying on the ground rose up and at her urging moved over to the tree. Somewhere...somewhere...one of the many knots would stop the tree's motion. Which one?

"Lily? What are you doing?" James was standing behind her. What was he doing here? She didn't know him well. She leaned in to look at the tree, her eyes struggling to adjust to the light, even under the full moon.  
"Lily! What the hell?" He sounded scared. Tired of talking to him, Lily stepped forwards after one of the limbs and tried to slip past the next one. The tree quickly picked her up and wrapped around her. It's tough bark rubbing against her arms and hurting the tender skin there. She was very high up, don't look down! Lily forced herself not to scream; she wouldn't alert anyone to her presence. The rubbing on her arms was beginning to ache and the tight branch on her stomach was beginning to suffocate her. Despite any of that, she would rather have stayed in that tree forever than be dropped...onto James.  
Free falling was exhilarating. She'd always had an odd fascination with heights and falling. Yet actually doing it was a different matter all together, she was falling a good five metres without anything slowing her. Landing on the ground, she slammed her shoulder and chest hard.  
James laughed. A beautiful sound even through her anguish, like water bubbling and wind blowing and babies smiling. The tree laughed harder though, when thirty seconds later there was the same laughing boy on top of her. She was laughing too now, with the shock abated the whole thing was funny. They lay there, entwined and laughing for a few moments before Lily remembered she didn't like James. He seemed to remember too because he stopped laughing and extricated his limbs silently. If she didn't like him, why did she feel like he was extricating a part of herself from her and taking it with him.  
"Sorry!" He was smiling but she apologized anyway. His hair had several leaves in it and his robes had a dirt stain on his arm. She knew she must look similar but he just looked ridiculous.  
"Why are you here Lily?" His smiles evaporated in the night air and his irritation crept back in mixing with his usual arrogance.  
"Severus just went in...and I don't know how to...and I should stop him." She caught her breath slowly but she didn't miss the flare of panic that went through James's eyes.  
"Well, I'm going to have to go get him. I want you to go back up to the castle. Get Sirius from the common room. And don't tell anyone else." She nodded, as he picked up a stick and threw it at the tree.  
"James..." She was unsure but so sure. "Please let me help."  
"No. Wingradium Levios...Shit!" James's stick was knocked away by a sudden gust of wind.  
"Wingardium Leviosa...where should I send it?" Lily raised her stick up; it caught the light which played off the knots.  
"3rd from the left." He smiled at her.

"3rd from the left." Lily whispered to herself, James's smile pasted across her mind. She flicked her wand, flying her stick forwards, just like she did that night so long ago. She tapped the furthest one to the right and then began moving her stick left. One by one, two...three. She twisted her wrist forcing the stick to slam on the knot. She tipped her face skywards and watched the monstrous branches slow and eventually freeze. Like odd spikes on a porcupine, they stuck up breaking the sky into little fragments.  
Lily tiptoed up to the trunk. Why here? She didn't know why she wanted to go this old place. She just had a feeling, fate was calling her there. Something about this place...something about how all the boys went here...something about how she'd never been...something drew her here.  
As she neared the edge of the tree, she got down on her knees, ignoring how dirty her robes must be getting. She dug her fingers into the ground, touching every little stick, every leaf, and every grain of dirt.

"I can't do it!" Her sobbing must have scared him more than any words could have.

No. She couldn't surcome to any panic attacks now. She was going to see something. She was going to learn something. No stress.

"You don't have to." His soft words soothed her for a moment but her breath was still caught in her head. She was gasping. Her eyes filled with tears.

No. She was calm. It was ok. Se was fine. Her breathing was a moderate pace. She crawled around, looking for the little hole. Her hands scraped the dirt and rocks and sticks and leaves but she kept looking until she found the pit.

"I...no." Her breath was racing at a million metres a minute. Her heart wasn't keeping up. Adrenaline threaded her system in the worst way. She was shaking and choking.

No. She was fine. She touched the pits rim with her fingers. This was it. She was fine.

"Hold on to me." He wrapped his arms around her and she listened. His warmth calming her. His steady arms held her. His breath slowed hers. And when he leaned, past the tears and the dirt on her face; she agreed. He smiled against her mouth, her lips moved into a smile too. She took a few deep breaths and kissed him. Putting in every ounce of panic, dropping out every bit of self restraint, she kissed him, clinging to his back and sobbing. He ran his hands up and down her spine forever and listening to her sobs.

She put her feet into the pit ready to jump when she felt a hand on her back. And steadily but gently, the hand pushed her into the pit.


	8. Chapter 8: Drunk enough

She was pretty, wasn't she?  
In that sickening fake way some girls were...make up was caked to her face like glue...dark eyes with dark brown shadow on the lids...full lips, dark red and colorful...tan, generic skin covered with foundation. She was wearing more makeup than clothing...and for some reason he wasn't drawn to her or any of the other sluts here tonight.  
The blond girl moved closer to him. So close he could smell the vodka on her breath. She smiled at him in a seductive way and tapped his hand. She drummed her shiny red nails on his hand and smiled at him. He just wanted to dance a little.  
Another song came on, loud music breaking his thoughts into small strands. He grabbed another shot off a tray and coughed it down. She pulled him onto the dance floor and put her hands up into the hair. Sashaying. Her hips sway and he grinned.  
Songs played. Girls swayed their hips some more. Guys rocked back and forth. James tried to love the way she wanted him. He tried to bask in the light of being needed but not needing. He tried to enjoy the music. He tried to enjoy being drunk as fuck and pushing himself way over his tolerance. He tried to enjoy the drugs pumping through his system; pills filled his stomach, smoke filled his lungs and morphine coursed through his bloodstream. Drunk, high, out of control, on top of the world; he just felt like shit.

"What do you find so...appealing about these places?" Lily tripped over her new heels again. She wasn't wobbling anymore but if she tripped in the club, he may have to fight off other guys. Some odd seething pleasure coursed through him at the thought of protecting her from other guys.  
"It's about forgetting everything." It's because James love the people all came in strangers and all walked out strangers; but it's during the drunken haze in the middle where everyone knows everyone. "I can't describe it..." She wouldn't understand.  
"I guess I'll have to try...it out then." Her response actually shocked him. They were walking a dirty, old side street of London. It was one of the best short cuts, but at a high scenic cost. There was graffiti on every wall they passed and beggars and druggies on each corner. The whole place made him shiver. The smell of mold and disease and suffering overwhelmed him. In the distance, he heard a gun shot. He had done this enough that he didn't start running, but his fingers still curved around his wand. She slipped her soft little hand into his and he found strength in the gesture. She trusted him to protect her from whatever danger they could encounter. He held onto the moment, held onto his wand, and gave her a reassuring squeeze as they emerged onto the main city streets again. He allowed the bright lights to amaze her, he allowed the beautiful city to mystify her, but he didn't allow himself to leg go of her hand.

The loud music and skinny blond pulled him out of his reverie. Lily didn't need protection tonight. She was safe at Hogwarts. Dumbledore would make sure everyone at that shithole of a school was safe. He could forget about her. That's what he came for; that's what he was hoping for.  
"Do you want to?" The girls eyes flashed with strobe lights but her eagerness was plain.  
No. He didn't want to get drunk. He didn't want to be high. He didn't want to bang strangers. "Sure but I need another drink first."  
She smiled at him and flounced off. Her wavy hair moving like a waterfall, he was certain every boy in the room was ogling her.  
A passing boy in odd clothing offered him a pinch of crystal meth but he declined it. The hazy buzz he remembered loving just was a dull headache now. The beautiful highs that put him on top of the world just made him feel dirty. The chills and rushes of his rollercoaster of drugs didn't appeal to him. All that intenseness, all that hope, all that fear, all that adrenaline, all that used to make him feel alive; all of that was the very reason he felt so empty.

"Do reckon you miss it?" Between kisses she asked him one day. She was sitting on the railing of the banister with her legs tied around his and her back to the pole. He was enjoying her slow breath, loving her slim hands combing around his dark hair, living off her soft lips pressed up to his and reveling in the beautiful luck that put him here. He was so focused on every aspect of her he almost missed her words. "What do you mean?" He didn't regret anything more than he regretted not asking her out sooner. He should have befriended her sooner. They could have been friends from the first day. There was no life for him to miss.  
"Like the drugs...?" Except that. He didn't miss addiction really. He didn't miss the burning feeling he thought he couldn't live without. He didn't miss being dumb and reckless and out of control. He didn't miss the peaking highs and he definitely didn't miss the vertex of each painful low. He didn't miss any part of the drugs, except for the feeling of bliss. Lily was a constant sun, always brightening his days, even when he couldn't see her. Yet, drama came and went in little hazy spouts. Every once in a while came a moment when he missed the empty bliss, wasting his time and money on nothing and no one.  
"No." He cast his eyes up to look at the sky out the window. It was a clear, bright blue, sunny day. There were lots of puffy white clouds floating along in the slow wind. If he had been high right now he would have missed everything, he would have missed the sunshine, the sky, the building, the girl, and the world. How could he have allowed so many days, hours, minutes and seconds to slip away?

He wasn't sure if the thoughts came from the memory, from over-dosing, or from his mind but he didn't care.  
"Fuck this shit. I'm done!" The blond returned with his drink. He didn't even know her name. He didn't even want to know her name. She handed him a drink, he smiled seductively at her. Quickly, he dumped the cold shot down his throat, he didn't even taste it. He grabbed a pinch of heroine from a passing waiter and used it up as quickly as he could. How many times did he have to say it? He didn't care about Lillian Rose Evans!  
The blond moved towards him. "Lily. That's my name."  
"What?" His words were slurred with addiction and forced affection.  
"Oh, you know. In case you remember anything in the morning and want to give me a call." She pressed her hips up against his. He pushed her up against a wall, and she clung onto his shirt, pulling him too. She dropped her fingers into his hair as she leaned in to kiss him.  
Lily. I don't want her. I need her. The thoughts all crossed James's confused mind. All his attempts to get drunk enough to forget her and she was still branded into the front of his brain. Darkness and self-loathing crept in as he stared at those lips. He didn't want them. He didn't care. He pushed at her shoulders forcing her back. "No. You motherfuckin' hoe get off of me."  
She opened her eyes and dropped her hands. He turned and ran, away from his drugs, away from alcohol, away from the dirt he put into his veins to feel alive because he was different from them. He was alive.


	9. Chapter 9: Feel Something

Coughing dust out of her lungs, Lily pulled herself up and began feeling around for her wand. Seconds later, someone came slidding down the dirty tunnel and knocked her down with their legs. She knew she ought to care who was behind her or why they wanted her but at this point, she didn't care.

"So you actually don't care?" James had a perfectly innocent smile on his face but Lily knew what he was thinking was anything but innocent  
"Yeah...anything's cool." She was more interested in what he was going to come up with. He smiled and stepped towards her. She thought he was going to kiss her, so she didn't back away. He came closer to her, his bare chest pressing up against hers. The hot summer sun beat down on them, as he put his arms around her. She leaned up against the hard muscles there, her head at his shoulders. He put his mouth to hers and she lost herself. Beautiful summer wind blew her hair against his shoulders. He dropped his hands lower, to the bottom of her rib cage. Somewhere in the back of her mind she felt insecure about it, but somewhere in the front of her mind, she got over it. He tightened his grip on her waist and her eyes fluttered open for a moment in surprise. She was blinded by the sun on the ocean for a moment but then she closed her eyes and focused on him again. His soft lips moving slowly on hers, kissing her sweetly and innocently; he tasted like salt and sand. She wanted to freeze this moment, to keep it and hold onto. She wanted to relive it everyday until forever but she couldn't. His hands lifted her off her feet and held her there. She was at his level! After months of tipping her head up to kiss him and look at him, she smiled against his mouth. He spun her in a little circle, his feet wobbling a bit. Her hair blew into her face and his too. Summer was a beautiful warm thing, begging to be held onto, trying to slip out of her reach. The hot sun cut into her back. James spun her again, his feet moving slightly to the left. She kissed him more. They had never gone this long before. One more half spin and before she knew it, he'd let her go.

She grasped something wooden and long. Her wand was under her fingers! She grabbed it in relief but whoever wanted her down here had their wand already lit. Dark shadows were cast down Mary McDonalds face as she looked at Lily through her wand light.  
"Mary!"  
"Shhhhhh!" The other girl said louder than Lily had just exclaimed. She beckoned forwards and Lily lit her wand with a fast 'Lumos' and followed.  
Down a long dark and dirty tunnel the girls crawled, their hair was getting dirty and they were going to ruin their robes.  
"What is this about?" Lily whispered loudly but Mary didn't respond. She kept crawling after Mary but she felt...wrong. "Mary? What's this about?"  
Mary kept crawling but Lily stopped.  
"Mary?"  
Mary seemed to barely realize Lily had stopped until that point. She stopped but she couldn't turn around.  
"Lil, keep crawling. It opens up soon."  
She sounded irritated but normal. "We need to talk alone."  
"Mary, the talking's done. We are done ok?" Lily was exhausted. She just wanted to be alone. James was worlds away from her and she wanted a chance to break down.  
"Lily! I need to talk to you ok? Please? It's complicated." Mary sounded so sincere Lily forced herself to hold on. Just a half hour more, she only had to wait one half hour and then she would cry. Until then, she would keep herself together.  
She kept going, like she learned to. She followed the leader like she learned in kindergarden and eventually, she did arrive at the opening and she pulled herself out onto the abused floor.  
White furniture covers lay on the ground, slashed into a million pieces. At the edges of the room, wood shavings, chips and chunks. The walls must have once been covered in wall paper, but now only scraps remained. Peeling off the walls with the wallpaper were photographs. Under the light of her wand, Lily could barely make out 4 smiling faces in one ripped photo. All the photos depicted the same boy. He had long, shaggy hair and shockingly bright green eyes; pressed onto a face that looked far older than it possibly could be. Lily skimmed over the photos again, her eyes slowly adjusted to the little light her wand could cast when she realized what she was seeing. Dead center of the wall, the ripped photo, the four boys, even though half was gone...something about the way the center boy was standing, she knew that stance, she fit into that stance perfectly. James was in these photos, reoccuring here and there, his face smiling or making some ridiculous face. Glancing around, Lily felt trapped.

"Lily!" James's voice carried across the common room. She stood up slowly, several pairs of eyes flicked to her but turned back. James beckoned her over and she made her way through the crowd. They were all singing and dancing around. A seventh-year handed her a butterbeer which she took but did not take a sip. If James wasn't drinking, she wasn't going to.  
"Hey!" She grinned at him and he reached out to put his hands around her waist. The snich he had caught circled the room, people laughed loudly and pointed at it.  
"Hey Lily." He beckoned her onto his lap, and she sat down. Across the room, Mary stared at her; she was worried but Lily wasn't.  
"You played well today." Lily dropped her head onto his shoulder and looked up at him. Sirius let out a barking laugh and looked at her.  
"You are cute aren't you!" Remus and James sniggered and Peter let out a high pitched giggle. Unsure how to really respond, Lily smiled and laughed along.  
"You were good too Sirius." He had played left beater today in replacement of Darrien Clearwater and had actually managed to knock Liza Dolohov from her broom.  
"Yeah! Not bad for a first-timer!" James grinned at him and Sirius let out another haughty laugh. James put his arms around her, holding her close so that wherever she turned he was there to protect her.  
"Oh, get a room you two!" Sirius said and Peter laughed awkwardly for a moment then James let go of her and she slid off his lap and into the chair next to him.

The cold shack drew her mind away from James, but it did little to erase the trapped feeling she had surrounding her. Tired, lonely and lost, Lily lay herself down onto the floor, Mary knelt beside her worried but Lily couldn't hold it in another moment. Her eyes wet blurred her vision as she pulled out her wand. Its dull tip gleaming senselessly in the night, but she didn't care. The words of some half remembered something came back to her.  
"Cause I need to feel something. " These were the words she whispered again and again.


	10. Chapter 10: Get out while you can

Breaths. Heart beats. Little waves of thoughts. Warmth. Beauty. Ice. Ugly. Fuck it all, he was alive and nothing short of a bottle of bleach could change that.  
The streets of Paris enthralled him. Out of boredom he followed a young man. His eyes stared into the stranger's back and extracted every memory he could find out of it. The man turned and entered a restaurant. James touched his pocket lightly; there were still about 50 dollars left. He glanced up at the clock tower down the street; it was 1:30. He turned left and glanced around. The neon lights of a local bar caught his eye. The demon's cave, fitting name.  
He wasn't quite in his right mind because the street was tipping but he didn't fall. Perfect balance had always been a skill of his, even on late high nights. His head felt heavy and the drugs had really hit him hard after so many months of withdrawal. He looked into the window of the Demon's Cave and saw it was almost deserted. He saw an old man sitting at the bar, and a man next to him, crying. Lame; but the empty bar called him. Even though this May was warm, James was shivering from the drugs in his system, the emptiness in his stomach and loneliness on his mind.

"What's on your mind, Potter?" Snape sneered at him and flipped his greasy hair as if he was a girl. The words were on the tip of his tongue.  
"Well huh, I'm talking to some scum who think their blood status makes them better than me." His response makes the Griffindors 'ooh burn' in delight but does not make a lasting impression on the Slytherins.  
"Well then Potter, what do you think makes you better than us? Ugly hair? Retarded friends?" Avery stepped forward, into his face. Their smug smiles bothered him more than the words. They seemed to believe they had just won the argument.  
"No. I was born better than you because I was born with class." James grinned at them with a preppy little pout. They whispered among themselves for a few minutes before they responded.  
"You have many things but class isn't one of them." Bertilli laughed derisively as if he was cool and witty. James didn't even dain to respond to their stupid slurs.  
"What other word is a better description of James than class?" Peter Pettigrew smiled as if he was hilarious and elbowed James lightly. James sighed inaudibly and nodded at Peter kindly. Sirius on his other side elbowed him lightly but James didn't look over because he didn't need reassurance or to see Sirius's spectacular eye rolls.  
"How about a cocky asshole?" Narcissa Parkinson smiled and laughed cutely. She put her hand on Mulciber's arm and he squeezed her hands.  
That's when Lily had come over. Wands were being drawn and Maddie and Lily rushed over, Mary and Emiline rushing afterwards. She had stepped between the two groups; one hand on James's arm and one on Snivelous's arm. "Stop!"  
Everyone looked at her with the same annoyed expression. What the fuck was imprinted on everyone. She ignored all of them and stayed between the two sides. Mary McDonald, Maddie and Emiline Vance stood between the two parties with her; but they all looked nervous as opposed to Lily who just looked annoyed and god damned gorgeous.

James couldn't take thinking about her for a moment longer. He turned his back on the street and moved into the bar. As he entered, a little bell rang. Stupid muggles; as if that would stop him.  
James grabbed a bar stool and pulled it up to the counter. The bar tender came over and looked the 17 year old boy up and down. Maybe because he smelled of alcohol, drugs and sex; or maybe because of his air of confidence; the bar tender didn't ask for an ID.  
"What do you want?"  
"A girl." James replied in irritation causing the man to laugh out loud. The other takers at the bar looked around in drunken confusion at the laughter. Why was anyone who was happy here?

"I meant what do you want from the bar to forget her?" The bar tender smiled at him, a look of sad understanding crossing his face. James grinned at him sadly, because somehow the man's understanding made him feel just a little less lonely. There had been times when not even Sirius, his best friend, could understand why he was drinking, shooting up, breaking down, and building up his walls again.

"The strongest vodka you've got and a cold beer." The man looked at him with sadness as if their moment of understanding gave him influence in James's choices. He looked back at the bar, along the metre after metre of dos equis, bud-lights, cabernets, chardonnays, merlots, vodka's, snapps, whiskeys, and the flavor shots. James looked down the rows too, his mind spinning a little and his eyes a little out of focus and unable to see them all quite clearly enough to read the labels. Somehow, his throat felt dry just looking at all the ways he could drink his sufferings away.

"Tell me what you really want to drink boy because we both know it's not vodka or beer." The bar tender grinned at him. His old, lifeless eyes, somehow were smiling at James. His soft, clammy hands were clasped on the counter and he leaned over the reckless 17 year old. His eyes smiled at James so hard that James couldn't turn away. The man had a hold on James refusing to let him lie. James stared into the bar tender's eyes in annoyance and the bar tender backed down but he couldn't help but feel this boy was exactly him at a younger age.

Ivan Cole was whatever the opposite of a family boy was. He moved away from his parents in Russia at 17 when he dropped out of high school. It was nothing his parents did, or anything they said to him, it was just the way he could feel them looking at him when his back was turned.

That's because stuff happened around Ivan Cole. His best friend in 5th grade had left, to go to some prep-school somewhere and he never heard from him again. So, Ivan made new friends, but these kids were never really his friends. They were afraid of leaving him because when people ended their friendships with Ivan Cole, odd things happened. All his life, Ivan had somehow known in the back of his mind that the death of Vladimir, whom a tree branch fell on the day after they had a fight, was his fault. It was a ridiculous notion, he had done nothing to the tree or the boy, but whenever anyone got into a fight with Ivan Cole, they ended up hurt. After Svetlana's death he couldn't stand hurting these people anymore. He never had an ex-girlfriend for longer than a day; although by no fault of his own he kept telling himself. People were all afraid of him after that. It wasn't anything they said, or anything they did, he just could see it in their eyes.

Drugs, wild nights of sex and dancing, and alcohol were his only forms of escape. Somehow, when he was drunk, his powers were loosened from him and less potent. All the girls would do what he asked, but couldn't that just be diplomacy? All the servers believed him when he said he was 22, but that could have been his maturity and competence. He bought a flat in Marseille before he spoke the language and found a job working full time at a shipping yard. He loaded crates onto boats all day and by some odd magic he never dropped a crate. Ever, as he was about to drop them, it seemed like they would pause and hover for a moment. Just long enough for him to grab them and shove them onto the boat. All the other workers were afraid of him. It wasn't anything they did or excluded him from, nor was it anything they said to him for they all said little to each other, it was just the way they wobbled under their crates as he walked by.

He had worked his way up in the company a ways but it wasn't something he really wanted. He married Clancy Fletcher at 35 but they had been married for maybe a year when she received a job invitation to work at a London orphanage. He had agreed to move with her, but their marriage was already dysfunctional and he tried extra hard to be careful, even though stuff…still happened occasionally. After an odd woman, Merope, gave birth to her baby, Ivan had walked in at the precise moment the woman died, and that's when Clancy had enough. He never heard from her again but one look at her face and he knew she understood him. She knew he wasn't normal and she didn't want him. It wasn't anything she did, or anything she said, he could just see it written across her beautiful face. He walked away and never turned back.

Ivan had gotten a job here at this tavern and worked his way up to managing it. He stood by it through thick and thin times and never, not once during his shift, did a bar fight ever occur. Never, not once, did he ever spill a drink or give the wrong drink to the wrong person. Never, not once, did Ivan ever believe a fake id. He served under aged drinks to boys who needed them, but he always knew who wasn't supposed to be there. It wasn't anything they did, or anything they said, he just could see it written in their souls.

Just like he knew this boy now, not by anything he did or by anything he said but by the way he looked about to cry or laugh or scream.

James sat at the bar, enjoying the quiet peace as the bartender just stood there staring into his eyes. James had never been good at legelimency but he could see the man was reliving something beautiful and terrible. He couldn't force himself to look away from the man and answer the question. The moments slipped by until the man smiled and shook his head at James.

"Boy, you can't get drunk enough to forget her on any of that. You can't drink problems or sorrows away." James looked at him for a long moment before he realized he just wanted some water but he was worried he'd drunk too much and lost his magic.

"Are you saying you won't serve me any alcohol?" He raised his chin up a bit.

"No, I'm saying it will be a waste of your time and money. If you really want beer and Vodka, I'll ring it up." The bar tender understood that this boy was a fighter, Ivan Cole had been a fighter too at one time.

"Alright, I'll have some water." James sighed and the bar tender poured him a dirty glass of ice with something unclear and dirty from an old tap.

"Now boy, why don't you tell me about this girl you lost." James smiled and thought about saying no and walking out but a quick look at the clock told him he had another hour before he should go back.

"Well…she's…she's responsible and I'm reckless. She's withdrawn and I'm welcoming. She's soft spoken and I'm shouting my head off. She's self contained and I'm self absorbed. She has the world wrapped around her finger and I've got them bowing down at my feet. She's sweet and I'm a showoff. She forgives and I fuck up. She cries and I comfort. She gets lost and I lose her. She leaves a 20% tip, I leave my wallet. She wants me and I need her." James didn't know what else to say. What were they together? They weren't two people made to be one. They weren't perfectly fitting together. They were dramatic and loud and crazy and private and exclusive. They weren't beautiful or perfect or magical. They were just so wrong for each other it felt right.


	11. Chapter 11: Wants and Needs

"Lily! What's wrong with you? Pull yourself together!" Mary had never been this scared since...since the mess last June. Lily was the strong one, nothing scared her, nothing fazed her, and nothing was too big or too complicated.  
"Mary...I can't do this now...Lets get out of here!" Lily sounded sincerely sorry she couldn't but under that, she just sounded empty.  
"Lily!...we crawled all this way..." Mary touched Lily's arm for a moment but she knew that wasn't good enough. If Mary had been British, she might have offered Lily some condolences and allowed her to go, but Mary wasn't British. She had grown up in the states until she was 10 and they rubbed off on her. Mary threw her arms around Lily and hugged her. Not one of the awkward hugs she gave to her friends in America; she just tried to grab whatever fragments of Lily's mind were left and hold onto them. Lily didn't really know why she accepted this hug, but holding on to anything right now made her feel better.

Hold on…

"Hold on tight!" James grinned at her and pulled the old tire backwards. She screamed, to terrified and excited to move. She wasn't sure if she was smiling or about to die…or both and she was inclined to think both. He pulled the tire underneath her and she screamed again, but nobody was around to hear or to yell. Under her, the river looked threatening and mesmerizing and she decided, somehow, she wasn't going to jump alone. His magic pulled the tire farther back, and she tensed her muscles for the moment he would let go. The rope pulled taught and his back to the barn, James tried to let her go. Quickly, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him along with her. He looked genuinely surprised and shocked but he wrapped his arms around her and hopped on. Grinning or screaming or laughing her head off or maybe a combination of the three, Lily and James flew through the air, with only a thin rope to protect them, to hold them up, to keep them alive. Lily knew a year ago she shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't have done this but then again, this year she was dating _James Potter._

"James!" She screamed his name as the river came into sight again, and whatever he shouted back was lost in the wind.

She stared down at it, fascinated by the water flowing, the fading sun's light, and by the complete impossibility that she was dating James Potter, of her own free will. She held the swing; he held onto her. She held the swing; he held onto her. She dropped the swing and began falling; he held onto her. Her hair blew through the air and she shouted something; he held onto her. She whispered something, maybe 'I love you' maybe 'I'm gonna die!' but he held onto her.

She splashed into the water, her crazy hair flying everywhere. His arms didn't let go of her, and he pulled her up and out of the water. His wet hair was dripping into his face, the sun made him look like a god, the river kept running, trying to push them downstream, but he pulled her to the side.

Smiling, he lifted her up by her waist out of the river and onto the bank. She stood there staring at his perfection in her blue bikini with messy wet hair and yet again wondered why she was here. How had she been lucky enough to get this? Why had she rejected him so many times? He pulled himself up onto the rocks and looked at her confused for a moment. "Are you gonna let me up or should I beg for your permission, my queen?" And just like that, she remembered just how obnoxious and irritating he was.

"No. Beg!" She commanded.

"Ok Evans," he grinned at her dangerously. Pausing for a moment in his attempts to get up, he moved his arm just slightly…Just enough to grab her ankle and launch her forwards into his arms. He was laughing now, and she struggled to maintain an upset face at him.

Mary held onto Lily for a moment longer. Lily didn't want to cry but she had to. Her tears didn't scare Mary; Mary had seen her cry exactly three times before, but they defiantly surprised her.

"Lily? He's an asshole. You don't need him! He didn't treat you well!" Mary really liked James and had been the loudest advocate for Lily dating him. Never had she ever said anything against him.

"No. If he was an ass I wouldn't have dated him. If I didn't need him we would have broken up months ago. And I didn't treat him any better in the end. I told him…I always yelled at him about…everything…" Lily couldn't say anything more, the sobs were too much. Her throat hurt, her head hurt, her eyes burned, her knees shook, she fell to the floor in a full-on drama-queen melt-down.

Tears, sobs, pounding fists, kicking feet, pulling her own hair, screaming as loud as she could because she knew she couldn't be heard.

Mary murmured words of comfort, encouragement, trust, hope and comfort. She whispered Lily's name in a soothing, calm, loving, hopeful, soothing tone. She tried to stop the other girl's flailing limbs but she couldn't. She had seen Lily lose it on exactly two other occasions, and she knew in the end, Lily had to pull herself together.

When Lily had gotten a P on Professor Flitwick's first exam of the year, Mary remembered the symptoms. Lily had been quiet and broken and Mary had seen her new classmate upset walking away from the common room when classes finally ended. Mary didn't know why Lily had chosen the exact staircase she had dropped her books on earlier that day to break down. All she knew was she had come back for her potions book and seen Lily out of control, broken, crying, lost, hopeless, and out of control. She had tried to comfort this virtual stranger when she managed to gasp out comprehensible strings of words explaining her situation. Mary was still haunted and confused and lost when she remembered the words Lily had choked out.

"I'm not…smart enough…I can't…do…this…They…all…hate me…I need to…leave…get out!...My fault…Failure...P for Poor…Stupid building…I can't find…anything…it's all…broken…people won't like you…you're a freak…you're a witch…you're alive."

No matter how many times Mary asked her about those words, Lily never explained them. No matter how many years Mary Marie McDonald knew Lily, those words never surfaced in a common conversation.

The only other time Lily had ever broken was after the event. Lily hadn't really done anything but those words had still come again.

"My fault…Failure... people won't like you…you're a freak…you're a witch…_you're alive_." Somehow these were always the words to pull her out of this delusion. What did that even mean? Of course Lily was alive. Of course she wasn't anything else she said.

Mary knew these events were rare and far between but somehow, these made the flawless girl seem human. Mary watched Lily break down every wall that protected her from the evil world and then watched as every wall was rebuilt. Mary didn't really know what prompted her to whisper the words down at the sobbing girl, but she did. "You're alive, and nobody can change that."

She listened as the sobs faded away. She waited for the Lily's heart beat to slow, for her breathing to slow, for her to choke out all the words and all her problems.

"No! I fucked up again! I'm not sorry! I always pushed him around! I didn't do anything! I gave him a curfew! I yelled about drugs! I yelled about the bridge!" What bridge? Mary was confused but she knew better than to ask Lily. She would ask James.

"I should have let him be. I should apologize. It's my fault. Stubborn. Mary…?"

"What is it Lil?"

"I messed him up. He treated me well. He didn't punish me or hit me. He didn't blame me for stuff. He skived off classes to be with me. Oh! I yelled at him after every detention. I told him to work harder in school. I called him a junkie, even when he stayed off for me. I insulted him. I fought with him. I took out all my problems on him. I screamed and cried and made everything into drama. I should apologize!" The beautiful girl looked up at her best friend in confusion. "Why didn't I apologize?"

Mary stared down at her best friend, with misty eyes, a red nose, tear stained cheeks, quivering lips, and a bruised chin from slamming her face into the old boards of the shack. "Because he messed with your love to him Lily. You didn't want him to get hurt and he made you do it. It was dangerous and stupid and he made you take all that shit about it."

"It was my idea! I told him we should do it!"

"But he agreed! He should have warned you about the risks!"

"I wanted to do it!"

"You wanted to back out at the end but he wouldn't let you!"

"I made him promise not to!"

"Lily…he wanted you, he chased you, he got you, he had you, and he turned you in to save himself."

"Mary, I told him to. That was part of the plan, it wasn't his idea. It was all mine! I didn't know…I mean I wasn't ready…I mean I was afraid…I didn't know how dangerous it was. He didn't either. We thought it was funny, you know, to rub us in their faces and to have a good time. I messed up the spell. It was all my fault."

Mary looked at Lily in shock. She couldn't believe this.

"You broke into the Ministry of Magic! You vandalized the courtyard! What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't. I was laughing and I can't do both."

"Lily…he was thinking. He was calculating every step, every move and every play."

"I know he was. He was supposed to."

"Lily, he was trying to get you to go…further. He wanted you to drink more and do more dumb stuff."

"No…" Lily shook her head confused.

"DAMMIT LILY! HE FUCKING KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! HE HAS EXPERIENCE WITH ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT! HE FUCKING KNEW HIS MAXIMUM, DAMN HIM! HE FUCKING KNEW YOURS TOO AND HE JUST LET YOU GO OVER IT! SHIT DON'T YOU GET IT? HE WANTED YOU WASTED SO HE COULD GET YOU!" Mary looked at Lily, sober, clean, straight O student, happy, smiling, all of it was gone.

"Mary, oh Mary don't yell at me!" Lily looked upset but she didn't look in danger of tears. "I wanted to be drunk, that's the scariest part! I wanted to lose myself to him. I wanted to ruin everyone else's worlds because mine was perfect. I did want all of it. I wanted to get in trouble and be bad and mess up. I don't know what I want anymore!"

She yelled at him, "You had your chance! Get yourself together! Decide what you want and go fucking get it! If you really want me, get off your god damned high horse and say so but I'm done!"

James had looked at her confused and hurt but still under control and manipulative.

"You want me to want you but I don't know what I want."

No amount of yelling could make him leave. No amount of crying could make his stay. Nothing she said could make him stop. Nothing she said could make him continue. She had no power, she never did. He was always pulling strings and she was bowing and laughing. She wasn't laughing now. She wanted to decide something, anything.

"You're wrong. I don't want you as you are. I can't live this way, James! I can't be your little toy! I can't pull these stunts anymore! I can't love you anymore. We are done, and that's what I really want. I want space and time so you can deflate your head!" And she didn't lie. She did want space, time, and a less cocky boyfriend. She did want him to go just as much as she needed him to stay. She couldn't live this way, but she had to. Nothing made any sense to her.

"I knew what I needed Mary! I mean sure I needed space. I needed him to be more humble. I needed him to go. I wanted him to stay! I want him to come back! And my wants are the same as needs! I don't know what I want anymore! I don't know what I need anymore! I lost my mind and my boyfriend, problem is, I don't know which one I cared more about." She did love him; but she couldn't keep falling and losing and breaking and rebelling and dying. She did need him, but did she want him?

"You loved him, Lily, and James Edward Potter loved you but it's your call. No pressure. Decide."


	12. Chapter 12: So am I

**Hey Y'all thanks for being patient, here's chapter ten. If you really like it or really want me to do something with the plot review it! I love reviews! I promise promise promise next time you see James he will be acting like a stereotypical boy and messing with people again!**

The bar tender didn't say anything for a while. James finished his story and looked down at his beer and shot; but he knew he didn't want it.  
They just sat there in a mutual reflective silence and watched as the last customer in the bar left. Finally James Potter had to break the silence.  
"How late are you open?"  
The bar tender looked at the clock and then stacked his stool on the counter.  
"We closed an hour ago. It's 3:30."  
James nodded once and helped the man put stools up on the counter.  
"She sounds haunting. Your girl." The bartender said at last. He sounded just as desolate as James felt.  
"I...I thought I loved her." Said the boy.  
"You did." Whispered the man. "Look, I know you've got a reputation to uphold but I've got some advice i suggest you follow."

James paused in his work to look at the man.  
"Come back, after a few days fights cool down. Don't wait for her to apologize even if that's her style. It's essential you maintain dignity but don't be an airhead boy. Ask for a...word. When you two talk, she may start to cry but you stay strong and stoic. Say something close to an apology and see if she leads the conversation that way. When she says I'm sorry, don't be a jerk, don't act cocky, just say 'so am I'."  
James looked at him in disbelief. The man said nothing about Lily Evans or James Potter of the fucked up mess they were in.  
He said nothing about how James pushed Lily to the brink of insanity, nor about the words they'd said. He didn't try and order James to stop, to crawl back, to change.  
He just gave him...advice? Help? A suggestion? This was what a father should be doing, not a stranger in a bar.  
That was the great thing about girls; when you walk in, they are all strangers, when you wake up in the morning, every one is a mystery.

"But, somewhere in the middle of everything is a drunken haze where you know her by heart and that's what makes life worth living."  
The man must have been reading his thoughts, James decided but he was too tired, drunk, stoned, and lonely to care.  
The night was colder, the sun farther away, and his Lily was gone but somehow this man had made him feel a hundred million times better.  
He looked at the bar tender for a moment and had a million more questions.  
"Sir? Why did you offer me a drink? You knew I wasn't 21."

The man looked at him in resentment, wondering how to answer the question. Many responses came mind. That's what I'm here to do. You were already drunk.  
"I knew you wanted me to refuse you one." That was the real reason. He understood this boy accurately and completely.  
"Do you have a family?" James didn't understand this man, nor why his life had been touched, nor why this man cared about him; but he wanted to.  
The man looked like crying. Broken little dolls covered the floor. Romance novels littered the coffee tables. Trucks and footballs were scattered all over the kitchen floors. We were happy. So many words he could have said. So many truths to be told; so many lies to be told.  
"Whiskey was my second wife." James nodded in understanding but the man, Ivan, continued.  
"Fifteen months with my wife, then 15 years at the bar. I tried to...drink away my issues...but...you can't." He looked upset but he forced himself to continue speaking. "I never forgot her, for one drunk moment, a high second, a stoned minute...drugs can't change you...if you really love someone...that's all that matters." He dropped the bottle he was holding and his misty, wet eyes cleared. "Dammit boy, go home. Don't ask me stupid fuckin' questions. Go sort your own shit out."

James turned around to look at Ivan in confusion. He looked angry, like a bipolar santa claus. James would have smiled at his own joke except he was too busy walking out. A thump of a fallen body made him turn in the doorway.

If James had been sober, he might have laughed at the man. On the tip of his tongue, he would have had several witty comebacks; he may even have cast a spell to distract the man from his weird angsty talk. If James had been sober, he would have taken the drinks, dropped some money, humiliated the man and left. However, James Edward Potter was completely and utterly drunk and as such, his head couldn't make him act rationally.

He should have walked out. His mind told him to. His head said leave. Logic said walk away. Rationality said run. His stupid, fucking, caring, asshole of a heart kept him standing there.  
Ivan was breathing heavily. His eyes were closed. His body was shutting down.  
Why? James would never know why. What? James would never know what.  
Who? James would never know who.

Someone ran back behind the bar and out a slim side door James would have seen if he were sober. If he was sober, he still could have walked away but James wasn't sober.

He grabbed his wand and leaned over Ivan Cole. The mans eyes were closed, his neck bent at an awkward angle. James touched his wrist lightly and felt sick. If he had been sober, he may have cast a spell or chased the killer or...done something. But James Potter wasn't sober, so he just knelt down and stared.

Death was...dead. It wasn't an end or a beginning. His sister had always told him death was giving up; ironically she'd never been a quitter.

Magic was flawed. He always knew that, and for some reason it made it almost more powerful. There would always be little mundane things it couldn't do.  
It couldn't create food, it didn't make sounds and it didn't heal easily.

James would know, he tried.

Asha Potter. Ashley Lucie Potter. She always hated her name. It gave him a sick feeling just to think about her. Looking at the man, James felt the drugs, finally. Coursing through his veins like fire and lightning and pain and love and hate and betrayal and death, they slowed his body yet his mind came racing ahead.

"I guess old habits die fast." His body hadn't been this abused in years. He hadn't been this high since Lily. He hadn't been this drunk since Lily. He hadn't been this lonely since…Lily. Although his mind knew exactly how to deal with the excess liquor and dirt he injected into himself, his body didn't remember.

"Jamie! What the hell are you doing?" Asha's eyes were narrowed at him. Her dark hair flung back behind her shoulders as she walked in. He was only 4 but he still remembered her shaking hands. He dropped the little white box, one of the tubes in his mouth he smiled up at her.

"I'm smoking!" He shrieked out at her in happiness, sure she could appreciate their shared interest.

"Jamie…" All of her stern demeanor dropped, Ashley just looked sad and scared.

"Ashy!" He shrieked again, sure they were playing a name game. She smiled at him sadly, and glanced out the window. Although Martha and James Potter senior could have apparated, they preferred to drive and a quick glance outside told Ashley she was safe for now.

"Jamie!" She cried out his name just for the sake of the game and smiled at him for a moment. Then her dark eyes were clouded again and she pulled a lighter out of her purse. "How about this? I'll light one up and we can share it, as long as you don't tell Mummy and Daddy? Ok?"

James clapped his hands in delight as his twelve year old sister handed him his first cigarette. He hadn't been able to actually smoke all that much, he had mostly coughed and Ashley had smoked.  
They didn't connect and he knew she had hated him in so many ways. As she explained to his 7 year old mind:

He was magical and she was useless.

He had potential and she was burned out.

He was going to Hogwarts and she was going to prep school.

He had the world at his feet and she was trying not to bow down.

He was silly and she was dead serious.

He had a clean slate and she had a parole officer.

He was going to stay sober and she was a junkie.

If he had told Mummy and Daddy their secrets, he might have a sister now.

He was pulled back to reality by the oddest thing, an earthquake. There were never earthquakes in Paris. Never! The slight motion knocked his beer down off the edge of the counter. The whistling air of the beer bottle caught his reflexes. Even drunk as a bat, James caught the bottle without even looking. It was unopened and cold but looking at it he remembered where he was. Who the man with him was jogged his memory on where he should be.

He stood up to go and then realized he still held the beer. Frustrated with the world and disgusted with himself, James threw the bottle to the ground as hard as he possibly could. It shattered, dripping beer along some stranger's floor. The whole place looked neat, clean, and perfect except for his broken glass shell and the smelly insides pouring out on the floor. What he thought he wanted, but the man had know better.

"All I wanted was to be wanted!" Ashley had yelled at him. He shouldn't have come into her room that night but if he hadn't all that fucked up shit wouldn't have been delayed. That's what heartbreaks do, they mess all the shit you finally arranged up and then you have to damn start over again! Every plan is thrown askew and every hope you had is replaced by a different one.

James, pushed open the heavy door of the bar open and stopped. It didn't seem right to leave Ivan lying on the floor. It just felt more fucked up than usual to walk away from an injured man in a bar; he was quite accomplished at that. He figured in the morning he would wish he did. But now he couldn't think about the morning. He had only an hour or two of darkness left. Tomorrow Padfoot, Mooney and Wormtail and he had a plan. They were going to get revenge on Professor Slughorn for failing Peter. He walked down the street, his street clothing felt dirty and gross, he could smell that blond ghosts perfume still stuck to his sweater.

They were all ghosts in those clubs. So beyond help and so bereft of any emotions except sex and drugs that he didn't belong anymore. He wasn't beyond help anymore because he got help and he quit and he ended it.

"I can't…you don't understand James!" Ashley was sobbing but he couldn't find her. Martha and James senior were out on another date and Ashley had just gotten home and disappeared. He stood in her room, surveying the perfectly clean, perfectly painted, exquisite room Ashley had. It was identical to his in every aspect from the wall color—a nice designer red—and the comforter cover—grey and white patterned stripes—to the furniture placement—bed against the far wall, desk by the window, bookshelves on both sides, dresser by the door, side table to the right of the bed—everything was exactly the same except for the suitcase hidden under Ashley's bed.

He knew what was in there; he'd even watched her pack it.

"Ashley!" He spotted her open window and immediately knew where she was. Outside, on the roof, he felt afraid for a moment. She was 17, he was 9, she was up by the fifth floor windows, he was only on the second floor. But even at 9, James broke rules. He started climbing.

"Stop it Jamie! Leave me alone! Fuck you! You can't damn climb this! Let me be! Shit! You're gonna fall and I'll get blamed for fucking something else up!" Ashley looked terrified but he kept climbing, he was good at rock climbing in gym classroom.

30 metres down the avenue James stopped and turned down an alleyway. He took only a few steps before he turned on his heal and disapparated back to the school. He never ran from his problems.

"Jamie please!" She was crying now and she moved farther up the house. He reached her old spot and, being nine, didn't think or wonder even for a moment why there was so many 'rust stains' on the roof there. He kept climbing, she moved up a little more until she reached the old fashioned widow's walk on the top of the house. He moved faster past the charred section covered in cigarette butts and up past the fifth floor windows.

It took him what felt like ages to reach her. Ashley was sobbing, her arm was bleeding from climbing he assumed. He looked at her with as much understanding as a nine year old could muster to a seventeen year olds problems.

"Daddy and Mum annoy me too you know." She looked at him with something he would only understand later when it came across his own face as surprised, peaceful, blessed bliss.

"Yeah. I know…" She looked at him with love and hope. "So you won't tell them about any of this?" She trusted him to lie for her. She trusted him to keep her secrets. He trusted her to watch out for him.

"Of course not! I don't even speak to them anymore. Daddy's always at work and Mum is mostly out with her lady-friends. They don't have time for me. And you are out with Connor and your Cigarettes."

"I'm done with Connor. He's skeezy and he treats me like shit and he always gets on me for smoking and my binge drinking and my driving and my grades. Who the fuck is he to care? If he wants to date an angel, he should date some slutty freshman." James was 9. The words were not yet in his vocabulary to reply in kind and Ashley knew that. She wanted him to learn from her mistakes.

"You are better than him Ashley!"

James had never said it to her before, but it became his constant refrain to her and later to himself. You are above it. You are in the sky, fuck the stuff on the ground. So many cranky withdrawals later, Ashley would be in the sky and he would be the one on the cold, hard, lonely ground.

"Jamie…James" She corrected herself and even then he wished she wouldn't. He always wanted to be her Jamie. "If you ever…no when you get a girlfriend…" She broke into a spout of coughing and sobbing but he waited patiently for her to finish and continue.

"James…when you get a girlfriend…" he prompted her eventually.

"Jamie, if you get a girlfriend tell her…tell her she's pretty each and every day." Ashley was crying now because she knew she was sick and she wanted to get better but it was too late.

"I will, I would only date a pretty girl anyway." James swore to her.

"No no! You don't get it you're a boy but every day. Every day, you tell her she looks beautiful. Every day you give her a hug, hold onto her. Everyday kiss her while she's speaking spontaneously. Everyday tell her good morning beautiful and good night. Never rush her, give her time and space. If she has problems…" She gasped another breath in. "If she has problems, don't let her run. Don't let her hide from them or ignore them. Help her fight them, chose your battles, and your most important ones should be hers. Love her, protect her care for her and never let her go."

James was too young to understand what this meant so he didn't live by it. Not until he really understood what she meant.


	13. Chapter 13: You aren't sorry

*Hey, I know this chapter is very different but I felt like I owed y'all some type of plot and a few more marauders scenes and I'm trying to get there. Keep reading please, I promise promise promise that everything will make sense! Thank you to everyone who has kept on reading about all the craziness!*

Morning light pushed past the curtains around Lily's bed and woke her up. Around her, Mary, Maddie, Sophie, Christiana, and Liz were stumbling around. She forced herself to sit up in bed and while her eyes grew accustomed to the bright light of morning, Lily's confused mind thought of James; ready to relive all the perfection she had grown accustomed to living in.

Then she remembered they were over.

"Mads? Have you seen my blue heels?" Christiana asked, shuffling through her trunk and pulling out clothing.

"No, I haven't seen any slut shoes today." Sophie's response shocked Christiana for a second but then she continued shuffling through.

"Chrissie, did you leave them somewhere?" Maddie asked thoughtfully while running a brush through her think brown hair.

"Maybe you left them in that hook up closet." Sophie's mocking tone was grating on Lily's ears. She slid out of bed and bent over to look into her trunk. A quick glance in the mirror, told her she wasn't going to have time for breakfast.

"Sophie stop! Look, Charlie liked me more anyway and you were busy at the time talking to Sirius!" Christiana stood up, shoes in hand, and stormed out.

"What happened between them? Did Chrissie hook up with Charlie Patil?" Lily didn't really care but she feigned interest. In the bottom of her trunk, she pulled out her make-up bag. James had always harassed her when she wore make-up but she needed it today.

"Yup…but it was totally his fault he was sleazing on her at the victory party last night." Maddie looked sad and confused. "Really though, I'm staying out of it this time. Last time they fought over Tyler Shacklebolt was such a fiasco."

"I'm glad." Lily smiled at her.

"Yeah, well I have me and Damien Thomas to worry about. And now I've gotta go down to meet him unless…" Maddie trailed off and Lily pulled out her makeup and a mirror.

"What is it Maddie?" Lily knew what she was about to say but that didn't make it any easier. She did owe Maddie an explanation but she didn't want to talk about James now.

Wants and Needs Lily, she reminded herself. Wants and Needs.

"Lily, are you ok? I know you and James left last night together and you're been off all day did something happen?" Maddie's interest had been peaked and the words were tumbling out now. But James had been gone yesterday too, that was interesting. He must have left after she rejected him. If he asked her to talk to him today, would she have agreed? She didn't want to think so but there were her personal wants and there were her mental needs.

"Maddie…James and I are…over." Lily's eyes were wet. Damn eyeliner! It was so difficult to get perfect, and she needed to focus. That's why she's paused. She looked at her raccoon-esc eyes in the mirror. It wasn't much of a change but now it looked like she was struggling with make-up instead of lack of sleep.

"Oh…" was all Maddie had to say. She looked around but all the other girls were gone.

"Damn it!" Lily cursed, she had smudged the eyeliner with her hand, she knew she must have because it was all messed up. She must have hit her eye too because it was wet. Maddie looked at her in pity. Lily didn't date a lot of guys. Hook-ups weren't really her thing and she had been completely faithful to James. He was only her third boyfriend and Lily had never been with either of the others for so much time.

Maddie wasn't obligated to care about Lily's relationships since Lily had ended all the relationships and didn't want a shoulder to cry on. Maddie wasn't obligated to stay; she had every right and reason to leave the struggling girl with her makeup and go see Ted. And it really says something about Madeline Jordan that she stayed. Maddie took another look at Lily's make-up struggle and then decided.

"C'mon Lily, I'll do it for you." Lily looked up with red eyes, black cheeks and a ridiculous amount of lipstick.

"No! I can do this." She picked up the pencil and drew a wobbly circle around her eye with determination and then stopped, handed the pencil to Maddie, sat down on the bed and agreed.

"So, you want to draw as close to the eye as you can and go slow. Also you can put a little white eye shadow under your eyes to hide the exhaustion." Maddie continued on with more make-up tips but inside Lily knew she wasn't going to ever put on make-up again. Outside it were grey skies, but no sign of rain yet.

"What do you mean you don't like rain? Evans! Rain is the best!" James was hovering her rain jacket above her head and grinning.

"James…I'm wearing white! And anyway the rain always makes me mess up and it's the first day back." Lily tried to defend herself but she immediately knew this was the wrong thing to say.

"All the better! C'mon Evans, I'll help you study." His derisive laugh made her stomach spin a little. No, she silently chided herself, she wasn't the average head-over-heels-in-love with _James Potter_! He was just up to some sort of mischief.

"James, please don't take offense. You are a great wizard and you are really talented, but do you really think you know enough about transfiguration to help me? I mean, no offense but I need someone who got an Outstanding OWL to help me." She hoped she hadn't offended him as he raised an eyebrow in surprise. She looked at him imploringly for a moment when Sirius laughed.

"I bet you a date that Prongs here got more Os than you did." Sirius's cocky expression made her worry a little but Lily Evans wasn't really the type of girl who backed down. James looked at Sirius in curiosity and interest.

"What do you mean? I mean…you four are smart but you surely can't think you outscored me?!" Lily had heard their reputations but she also knew they rarely got anything above an A on their essays.

"Deal. How many Os did you get Potter?" James looked at her cockily and considered for a moment.

"If I win, you have to go with me next Hogsmead weekend." James looked at her questioning. He didn't look nervous, he didn't even blink, he didn't look worried and that should have phased her but she didn't. She assumed he was lying. She thought he wanted her to back down.

"Lily, I wouldn't…" Remus Lupin, the newly appointed prefect nudged her back. Of the four, he was the most rational, and she might have listened to him except at that moment little Peter Pettigrew came huffing and puffing up into the common room.

"James! I passed! I did it! I got an E in everything except divination and who really cares about that?!" James looked over at him and grinned.

"Nice job Wormy! Keep working that hard and you may outperform me in the NEWTs!" James's smile was a little sarcastic but Peter didn't notice and he stood there glowing. Lily took a deep breath, she didn't want to gamble but this was Potter. She knew she would win.

"You're on Potter. If I win, you have to stay home next Hogsmead weekend and…and…" She didn't know what terrible punishment she could inflict upon him. "and…help the house-elves cook the feast." It wasn't all that genius but maybe she could get him to wear an apron. Surely even James couldn't look good in an apron.

"Alright!" James grinned a gorgeous smile and dazzled her for a moment.

"So, how many Os did you get Potter?" Lily Evans said confidently.

"Oh no Evans! You tell me, I initiated this!" James looked at her even more confidently and she forced herself to stand tall, all five foot two inches of her height. Sirius grabbed the parchment piece from her hand and looked at in intensely. James looked over his shoulder expectantly and then took a piece of paper out of his pocket.

Lily looked at it quickly, expecting to see his OWL results with maybe two Os. She scanned the list.

O, O, O, O, O, O, O, D, O, O, O.

"The first Hogsmead weekend is in a fortnight. See you then Evans!" And with that, he walked away in that cocky sort of way she hated.

In the first day of her fifth year, she had ended up dating James Potter because of a bet and it had all started with grey skies like today. Lily could feel Maddie finishing up her eyes and opened them slowly. Maddie had moved the mirror over and was touching up Lily's mascara. Lily lifted the mirror in shock and admiration to admire the other girl's handiwork. Her face was almost unrecognizable aside from the streaming red hair and the pearl necklace.

"Damn! I forgot to take this off." Lily pulled it off her neck and threw it at the ground, hoping it would break but it didn't.

"Lily…" Maddie watched the necklace fall to the floor and slid under Christiana's bed. She wanted to say something more but she didn't. "We should get you some food before Professor McGonagall starts sending people off to Hogsmead. You're still going right?"

"What?" Hogsmead? She couldn't. She didn't want to. "I wouldn't miss it for the world Mads."

"Great." And Lily allowed Madeline Jordan to take her hand and lead her down the stairs of the girl's dormitory. Through the Common room, the two girls moved quickly, avoiding the table by the fire where the marauders always sat. Lily couldn't stop herself from looking over.

James sat there in the most comfortable chair in the common room, alone and reading over some notes or something. He saw her looking and for a moment he made eye contact but then, and she was shocked by this, he glanced down at his mates. She couldn't hear the words he said to his mates and she convinced herself she didn't care enough to look back. Maddie climbed through the portrait hole and Lily tried to follow but the door swung shut.

Confused, Lily tried to push it open but it wouldn't go. She struggled for a moment longer before she turned around, ready to ask for help, when she realized she was alone with James.

"Shit!" She didn't mean to say it, it just slipped out. Irritation at herself crossed her face and he looked up. She could tell he was amused no matter how much of a poker face he kept. It was awkward…she didn't know if he was mad. She didn't know if she was mad. She didn't know how to ask him to help her.

"Evans…" He shook his head and smiled at her that fucking dazzling smile she loved.

"Potter. Can you help me with this door?"

"Nah, It can only be opened from the outside." He smiled at her with that frustratingly annoying grin. "Maybe you could use a levitation charm and fly down.

"It's raining." She looked at him annoyed. It had just began pouring as if the sky was emptying out rain to drown her…or maybe just to trap her into this room with him for god knows how long.

"I still don't get it Evans. How does one not like rain?" He must have been thinking of that day too. And their fiasco of a perfect date.

"Oh, it's easy. The rain always gets under my skin and there is no escaping. Plus, I always end up fucking something up when it's raining." Lily looked at him annoyed

"Lily…I'm so…" He wanted to say the word, he didn't say the word. He didn't apologize because he didn't mess up. He should.

_I'm sorry doesn't mean I did something wrong to you. It can just mean I pity you or I understand what you are going through._

"James…save your breath. You can't fix this." Lily knew he couldn't say the word. If he doesn't say it I won't even consider getting back together with him, she told herself.

_People can forgive but they can't forget. Promise me when you meet a girl you care about you will forgive her and understand when she can't forget._

He stood there looking at her and Lily just felt annoyed. She didn't want to waste time on her past. She had forgiven him but she couldn't really consider him again. He couldn't take back what he did or the words they'd said that night.

_Jamie! She won't forget. Ever. You're only chance is to try and make it up to her. No revenge and no tricks, you need to say 'I'm sorry.'_

_Even if I did nothing wrong though Ashley?_

_I'm sorry doesn't mean I did something wrong to you. It can just mean I pity you or I understand what you are going through._

_Are you sure Ashley? What if she's already forgiven me? I don't want to make a prat of myself if she's already forgiven me. She probably doesn't even care._

_Somewhere, she must have. People can forgive but they can't forget. Promise me when you meet a girl you care about you will forgive her and understand when she can't forget._

"Lily…I fucked up ok. I can't take the words back. I know you can't forget this. I won't make you take me back, but can we please talk?"

"James…?"

"Lily…I messed up dammit! I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have brought you, and I didn't mean anything I said."

"James…you did mean it. Somewhere inside, you really did feel that and this won't work. I'm not ready!"

"Lily, I'm so fucking damn sorry!" He almost yelled it but he didn't. He yelled at her way too much about stuff she didn't do.

"James…" She held back the tears and the frown he saw there.

"I am so, so, so sorry. I messed up. It was my fault. I shouldn't have yelled. You are beautiful and amazing and everything I need."

"James…I really do forgive you. I just can't do this now!"

"Please Lily! I need you. I want you and I need you."

"Not now James, leave me alone please. I just can't trust myself around you and that's scarier than anything else."

"I love you Lily Evans and I am so sorry."

"If I'd known that, we might have had something James, and sorry just doesn't cover it anymore." And with that she slammed her shoulder on the door hard and it fell open. She wanted to kiss him. She needed to kiss him. She took one step and tried not to turn back. Not to look back. Not to turn around. She was done talking to him. Except she wasn't.


	14. Chapter 14: Marauding

*_Ok, as promised there are several marauders scenes coming up. I know I promised them forever ago and I'm sorry it took this long. This chapter is rather late because I had a little writers block. Be patient because the chapters may not come as often and please review!_*

James lay on the common room floor in a very un-James-like sulk. The common room was deserted of course since everyone else was at breakfast so there was no one to see his brief moment of pain. In his hand he held a piece of crinkled parchment he had tried to write a letter to his mum. In his other hand, he held her scarf. The one she left at his house last Christmas. The scarf was everything his Lily was. Innocent, soft, beautiful, it made him miss her even more. Moping and sulking wasn't working for him so James pulled himself up off the chair. What could he do today while blowing off Care Of Magical Creatures? Most temptingly, he could go snog some other girl, break another girl's heart and maybe a guy's face on the way.

Trouble...he hadn't been in trouble in so long. Standing, James picked up his bag and fumbled around in it for a moment. He withdrew his map and muttered the password. 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good.' This map was everything, he also withdrew the cloak and shoved it under his jacket as a precaution. He skimmed the map for Padfoot, Mooney, and Wormtails dots. He spotted Remus Lupin and Peter Petigrew in the great hall, eating breakfast he decided but skimming the table he saw no sign of Sirius. He looked around the castle a bit until he saw Sirius's dot. Sirius was ascending to the Ravenclaw tower. That's not too far away! James thought, his pulse quickening he picked up his bag and rushed out of the common room, for a moment he even forgot about the beautiful girl who had put her shoulder on the door to force it open to get away from him.

Sirius Avery Black was busy knocking over suits of armor when James reached him. It was a bit of a competition between the two of them, who could knock over more every year. James approached him smiling. He didn't care about god damned Lily Evans, and he had sulked all of yesterday; today was a day to make as much mayhem as he could.

"Hey mate! I didn't see you at breakfast!" Sirius called as he knocked over the next suit along the wall, James smiled and knocked over the one closest to him with a hard kick.

"I wasn't hungry." He held out his hands apologetically and shrugged. He couldn't face the prospect of going down now.

"I get it mate, you were stressed."

"Nah, I'm fine. Actually, we haven't caused any mayhem in a few weeks, what do you fancy?" Sirius looked up at him, confusion and excitement crossed his face and then fades. James waited a moment longer for the light of inspiration to cross his best friend's face.

"Oh! I have the greatest idea mate, how 'bout we…you know…accidentally let loose another dragons?"

Dragons had been their joint creation, inspired by the memos sent around the ministry of magic. These paper dragons flew about for hours attacking random Slytherins, honking, and making little trails of ink

Sirius smiled and James had to agree that today was a good day for it. All the students would be trapped inside and trying to study for NEWTs in Divination. James was so glad he got a P in that class, forbidding him from continuing on.

"Snuffles? Now many dragons do we have?" James was too bored, it was the end of his seventh year and his past week had been trouble free. "McGonagall is practically expecting us to do something, I haven't been in trouble all week."

"James…" said Sirius warningly. Not because he cared about the trouble, James knew Sirius didn't care anymore than he did and Sirius already had been accepted by the Ministry to work in the department of Magical Law Enforcement under Barty Crouch. James was the one who should have been more worried about his future since he was still waiting to hear back from the Wizzelbourn Wasps about playing seeker.

"I mean…we haven't done anything around school. C'mon Padfoot!" James looked at him imploringly and Sirius grinned.

"I'm just messing with you, I've got ten made." He reached out and knocked over the next suit of armor they passed. James realized they were walking back to the common room and kicked out at a suit of armor to his left.

"You know what mate?" James had a brilliant idea. "Screw the dragons, I bet we could make some off my old parchment from Slughorns last essay. And better yet, we ought to make some that dump…" He trailed off because Remus and Peter were approaching.

"What mischief are you planning James?" Peter asked, excitement clear in his watery eyes.

"Oh, it's nothing Wormy, James and I are just planning a little…celebration for passing transfiguration yesterday." Sirius let out a barking laugh and responsible Remus looked at them defeat clear in his eyes.

"Don't make too much of a mess Snuffles. I don't want to have to discuss the cleanup at the prefect meeting tonight." Remus just looked… tired. The last few nights they had been up late studying and last night James knew they had waited for him well past midnight before turning in.

"I reckon I need a break from studying." James grinned at him, and Wormtail caught his drift. "I reckon we ought to go and take a break at…this room. He stopped and turned into the next classroom. He dropped his bag on a chair with a thump.

"What are we making Prongs?" Wormtail looked intently as James fumbled through his bag to find his essay.

"Dragons. Special ones that drop…what should they drop?" Sirius looked at his best friend for advice but it was Peter who came up with an idea.

"Paint!" He squeaked. All three of the others looked at him with disbelief and confusion.

"What in the devil's name is paint?" Remus spoke the question they were all thinking. Sirius sniffed loudly.

"You know…like you paint a house. You use brushes and it dries…?" Peter looked at them confused. "Didn't you ever…paint?"

"Mate, we all grew up in wizarding households. If we wanted to change the color of something we transfigured it." Sirius said kindly but with a slightly condescending edge in his voice.

"Ok ok. It's like water and flour mixed together with coloring. It's really goopy and it gets all over you. Here." Peter twirled his wand rather impressively but nothing was conjured. He tried again but he couldn't do it. Sighing, he flicked his wand and muttered a few swears and the spell. A can of purple goop landed on the table, disgusted by the smell that reminded him of huffing, James jumped and moved away from the can.

"This is…" Sirius sniffed and withdrew his hand, dripping and purple from the can. "Excellent!" James wanted to cringe away from the poisonous chemicals but he didn't. Instead he withdrew his essay and put it on the table.  
Remus leaned in with interest as James and Sirius alternated casting spells on the unfortunate essay. Slowly, reminding Peter of his brief attempts at origami, out of the 12 inch essay grew a large paper dragon.  
At a last word from Sirius, James poured some of the paint into the belly of the dragon. Remus didn't mean to be nosy, but for once James cringed away from the smelly fumes as they dripped into Sirius and James's creation. It was about the size of a house cat, with beige wings, a brown body and it opened its mouth and spit a little red paint onto the table.  
"Woah!" Squeaked Peter enthusiastically, and even Remus had to applaud their flawless recreation.  
James took a step back and admired his creation. It did look like a dragon, and the red and orange paint really did augment the whole look. "Lets set it up in Slughorn's room!" James said.  
"Definitely. We can sabotage the first years potions final!" Remus replied sarcastically. "No! Do it somewhere worthwhile."  
James looked ready to fight him on the fact so Sirius put his arm on James's shoulder. "Where should we put it then Remus?" This question shocked Remus and he hesitated just long enough for James to speak.  
"Slytherin Common Room." Three words nobody was expecting, least of all James. He had actually been looking at the map, almost oblivious to the conversation. Why the hell was Lily Evans with that little skeeze Snape in their common room?  
"I mean, we want them to fail their NEWTs the most right?" He amended the statement and Sirius nodded his agreement.  
"Deal. It will definitely escape eventually but starting it there would be great!" Sirius laughed his barking laugh again and Wormtail smiled too but Remus still looked doubtful.  
"How are you getting it in there? Do you know their password?"  
James and Sirius both adapted thoughtful looks for a moment and then Sirius sniffed again.  
"Their password is Tojouris Pure. Blimey i forgot, Regulus told me last month." Mooney and Wormtail nodded while James looked at him in elegant surprise.  
"That would have been useful to know when we crawled like fools through that vanishing cabinet after Zabini!" James muttered sulkily.

Underneath his light tone however, James's head was racing. Sirius and Regulus Acturus Black were seemingly always fighting so why the fuck were they chumming up? James wanted to ask him about it, but not in front of the others.  
"Ok, I'll drop this in the common room. Snuffles, you're coming." Sirius looked at him quizzically but shrugged. He sniffed again and Remus burst out laughing.  
James, pleased with their responses, withdrew his cloak from beneath his robes and pranced towards the door. In his hands, he toyed with the little dragon, fixing its wings the way a prissy mother might.  
Anyone else might have looked sincere but James looked so ridiculous, Sirius snorted in laughter. The others joined in for a moment, even the great Griffindor seeker but then Sirius sniffled again and James returned to his mischief face.  
Throwing the cloak over himself and the approaching Sirius Black, James disappeared.  
Invisible to all the eyes, James choked for a moment. His eyes rolled back into his head and the sight of Lily Evans pervaded his vision, his mind, his ears and his mouth. His knees felt weak as a moment with her pressed on the edge of his memory. He shook it off.

'No more sulking Jamie, just fix it or move on.' He could hear Asha talking to him. Her drawling voice and slight lilt of an American accent from spending so many years living there. So many words of wisdom she had given him, so many words of wisdom he should have given her.

The moment was lost as Sirius tapped his shoulder and the pair of them began to move forward towards the Slytherin common room. James moved his feet down the hallway step after step, all the time watching the map. As they walked, he had to ask Sirius.

"Chumming up with Regulas all of a sudden, eh Snuffles?" James teased but Sirius knew he was serious.

"No! He approached me that day you were in hospital wing." Sirius sniffled again. "Why are you calling me snuffles?"

"Because you're snuffling." James replied causing the other boy to grin. "Which time?"

"When you took three bludgers to the head and insisted on playing the rest of the game. Damn! Professor Finnegan was so mad!" He laughed and James had to agree. That was certainly a fun day. "So, I was outside waiting for you to get out and Regulus said Valerie Malfoy was still in there from my curse the day before."

"And you _talked _to the git? You didn't just curse him?" James was astounded.

"He wanted to talk to me bad. And I just mentioned I wanted to maybe visit him sometime and he said the password right away." Sirius shrugged and James rolled his eyes. Regulus was never the brightest boy but he wasn't usually that dumb. Then again, siblings were so important as he himself knew.

"So, he just said it?" James laughed the words.

"Shhhh, we're there." Sirius hissed and James looked around in wonder. Green lighting.

"Mate! What do you reckon we're under the lake?" The hazy light reminded him of when he had gone treasure hunting in the lake second year.

"We are!" Sirius whispered back and they both drew their wands. James readied the dragon and they whispered the password to an ugly snake statue who slithered out of the way.

"Wicked." James glanced through the open space and up the corridor. Straining his eyes and ears for anything. Words floated back at him and chills crept up his arm.

"Shit." He muttered. Because he knew that voice so well.


	15. Chapter 15: Sick Angels

*I know these updates are slowing but I've been really busy lately. Hopefully you think its worth waiting to read but whatever. Here's chapter 15, it's called "Sick Angels" as a break from my usual cryptic chapters so I hope you like it, it's rather short however…I promise the next two will be long and full of answers however I have a bit of writers block.*

Lily Evans was sitting in the great hall. She wasn't waiting for Severus to finish eating. Definitely not. She wasn't waiting for James to come down. Definitely not that either. Somehow, being in a fight with the two guys who made the world complete wasn't hurting so much. Or maybe it was just hurting too much.

Severus was deep in conversation with the odious Regulus Acturus Black. Lily had never liked Regulus. His haughty features—although bearing close resemblance to Sirius's—were arrogant and often made him appear as though there was something extremely smelly under his nose. Lily wasn't looking at Severus Snape. She was just fascinated by Regulus's resemblance to almost everyone at the table. Narcissa, a plain girl, was trying to intrude on their conversation. Lily heard a rumor she was engaged to Sirius's cousin Lucius.

She'd never understood how purebloods managed to marry their cousins but it certainly maintained the same genes. Dark, heavy, and arrogant features, the same curly hair, everything was the same about those people; even the look of distain they gave her when she passed them was the same.

They must go to summer school for muggle-born hating, Lily decided, before she looked back down at her plate. The untouched eggs, toast, and French croissants looked back up at her in irritation. 'Won't you eat me?'

She rolled her eyes; at least her food was still speaking to her. She realized the idiocy of this statement a second later.

Severus wasn't done speaking. She was still the only seventh year at the house tables. Not that she was paying attention. Katherine, a fifth year Lily had once tutored, sat down beside Lily and helped herself to breakfast. Lily smiled at Katherine and tried to make polite conversation. Anything to be distracted.

"Hi Katherine."

"Oh Lily! I've been meaning to tell you, remember when you helped me with potions last year? Oh my gosh! The aging potion I couldn't make until you helped me…? It was the oral part of the exam yesterday! To make that potion! I made it perfectly! I do believe I may have gotten full marks! That trick you taught me with pressing the beets really helped too. Thank you!" Katherine gushed and gushed and Lily really tried to care. She had ensured that Katherine passed.

"That's great Katherine! Did you do well on the written part? That was the hardest for me." She saw the other girl pale for a moment.

"Oh yes, I think I did well but it was truly difficult. I forgot Merlin's fifth law…you know about food. It was scary but I think I passed." Katherine smiled but Lily could see she was nervous.

"That's great! I'm so glad you did well." She smiled warmly at the girl but Katherine stood up. She had eaten no more food than Lily.

"Hey Lily, I've…er…I'm going to go study some stuff before divination today but we'll talk later, yeah?"

"Oh…yeah. Good Luck!" Lily called, a bit deflated. She returned to her analysis of Regulus Black. He used his left arm gingerly and when Severus grabbed it, he recoiled. Maybe he broke it at yesterday's match…Lily absentmindedly mused. Maddie said he did have some pretty amazing moves on a broom. 'It's an advantage of pure bloods' Mary had ranted. Lily had been ignoring her but she remembered bits of their argument. Including when Saphire Diggory stormed in to complain about the noise, the girls had all just laughed.

"Mind if we sit tiger?" Sirius Black's huskey voice pulled Lily back to the great hall. She looked up in trepidation but it was only Sirius and Remus. No Peter. No James.

"Oh! Sure I suppose."

"No one else you're waiting for?" Sirius was almost taunting her, it was meant as a joke she told herself.

"Of course not," she moved up the bench to let them both sit where Katherine had been but instead, Sirius sat down where she was moving to. Surrounded. Damn it!

"Lily…" Remus said her name slowly, but she ignored him. She had already moved on, that's what she would say. She fixated herself on buttering a slice of the dry toast before her, as Sirius loaded his plate. After a thoughtful moment, Remus did the same and the three sat in silence.

Uncomfortable, Remus took a bite of his eggs. Sirius finished chewing and then asked the question she knew they were going to ask.

"Why is it, Evans, that you and he are broken up now?" Sirius's whisper tried to make it sound casual, but Lily couldn't lightly discuss it quite yet.

"It's…complicated." She muttered sadly.

"Damn it Lily! You were always complicated. What did prongs—er James—do that made you walk away? Did he say something?" He whisper yelled at her. Remus leaned in closer to hear.

"It wasn't anything he did. It wasn't anything he said-"

"yes it was!" said Remus impatiently. "He took you to the Ministry of Magic and when you got back…it was over."

"Guys…It's hard to explain. I wasn't ready to go with him and under pressure people do crazy stuff. It was an accident but he didn't…I mean he wouldn't ever hurt me. I just made a few mistakes okay? And right now…like I mean…I'm over him…well no." She paused for a moment but continued. "I'm not. But we weren't right…just we don't want to talk about it…please let it…I mean I'm not ready…I mean…no that's not what I mean…why am I telling you this?" She was flustered now.

"You have told us nothing Lily." Remus responded. Sirius, his mouth crammed with food, nodded dramatically.

"Can't you…like ask him…It's really his story…I'm the stupid girl he brought along…" Lily put her hands up in the air in aggravation. It was a mistake.

"Evans…What's on your wrist?"

"N-nothing Sirius…" Lily tried to pull her sleeve over the cut but Remus caught her hand and revealed the damaged skin. Underneath it, both boys stared in shock at the yellowing cuts, the purple bruises, the heated burns.

"What the fuck Evans! You better damn tell me what the hell is going on and what shit happened to you or so help me god I will fucking take you to the damn hospital wing and fucking curse the answers out of your sorry body." Somehow Sirius managed to whisper all of this to her. She knew if it hadn't been so personal, he would have yelled it so loud muggles in a neighboring town would hear it and she was so thankful he didn't. But Lily couldn't tell them now.

"Guys…I can't tell you about it…"

"Lily…what happened at the golden gate was sick but you stayed with him. What happened at the ministry was cruel but you stayed with him. What the hell could have happened to make you leave him? And don't lie to me and say you don't fucking love him anymore because I know you do. I know you need him because you can't even tell me you don't." Remus never swore, until he did. His calm demeanor had been broken by his complete understanding and complete confusion.

"I can't…please…give me an hour. I'll tell you tonight. McGonagall's classroom at ten?"

The boys looked at her confused but agreed readily enough. Lily stood then and walked Hisaway from them towards the entrance hall. She needed to plan what to say.

At the door, she pushed on it hard but it wouldn't budge. She struggled for another moment, before little Peter Pettigrew pushed the door open to enter in. His eyes swept onto her but they weren't full of hate. He must have not managed to speak to James about their whole fight earlier.

Fight…what where they fighting about?

Why didn't she accept his apology?

Why didn't she back down from her pride?

Was he still up there now? She wanted to see if he was. Lily Evans had actually decided to do that. She realized the door was being held open for her and was about to thank Peter when she looked over. It wasn't Peter Petigrew holding the door for her.

"Lily…I'm sorry I got mad about you blowing off studying…"

"It's not that…I can't do this anymore…" She looked him in the eyes as she spoke the last words. They hurt, like breaking up with James had, but they needed to be said. "Severus, I don't belong with your friends. I don't curse people, I'm a mudblood…" Seeing the look on his face, she wanted to take the words back. She let him respond, knowing it would break her nerve. She let him speak, knowing he could convince her to forgive him. He always did.

"Lily…I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You call everyone else with my blood status that! Why should I be any different!" Any anger she put in those words was real, but it was all she had left.

"Because…" But his words trailed away. She had already forgiven him. He felt guilty and she did miss his friendship. "Just lets talk okay? I want you to meet all my friends."

"No. Sev…" Her wrist tingled a little just at the thought of Slytherin house…the common room Voldemort had once sat in, socialized in, made his first servants in.

"Lily! I'm really sorry!" And those lucky three words did it. They were the words she needed. He wasn't fuckin' sorry, he wasn't so sorry, he really was sorry.

She made a deal with the devil, or rather her diary, that anyone who said those words she had to forgive. It was fates decision who said them but that was how god could talk to her.

Even witches can be devote catholic girls.

"Fine Severus. You have an hour, convince me your friends are psycopaths."

"I can't…I need you to decide that. I need you to be open minded." He sounded serious but Lily wanted to change the subject.

"I'm always open minded…" She grinned at him, they both knew the lies in the words but somehow they weren't an evil type of lie. They were just harmless little baby lies.

It had been a year and a half since they last smiled like this…but nothing had changed. Fits of giggles and bad jokes had always been a big part of Lily and Severus Snape.

They took a long walk before going to the common room. An hour easily trapped in random deserted hallways and fifth-floor corridors. Lily was grinning and Severus was elated. By the time they reached the dungeons, Lily had all but forgotten James Potter in the Griffindor common room. She had all but forgotten to meet Sirius and Remus at 10 in Minerva McGonagall's room. She had all but forgotten why she was mad. Almost forgotten about the deatheater wannabes she was about to meet until she walked into their common room and saw the boy lying in the middle of the floor.


End file.
